It is difficult to put words to the transformation that has occurred for me this semester. As the semester draws to a close I feel a significant change within my relationship and myself with Jesus. Writing a personal statement for a class poses a unique challenge. To truly speak of faith involves an emotion-laden process. How do I present such a “messy” self-portrait in an academic paper? I do not desire to scrub my writing to the point it is a sterile presentation as some academic writing can be. Rather, I’d like to present the mess that is me!
While exploring one’s emotions, motivations, beliefs, and values one must delve deeply and recognize the reasons for one’s desires or lack of desires for particular endeavors, jobs, relationships, actions, and so forth. For me, this process involves the intersecting of motivation, skills, and faith. The belief that God has uniquely gifted me with certain qualities is a significant responsibility. As the qualities are a gift it is a privilege to honor Christ with the use of my gifts and abilities. With this effort to honor and respond to the One to whom I am called, the challenge comes in attempting, in life and in a paper, to convey the magnitude of my emotions and reflections.
Why Different?
I have given considerable thought, of late, why things seem different. I’ve wandered why it seems Jesus has moved from the co-pilot seat to the driver’s seat. Why am I more in tuned with Christ’s voice? Why am I seeing my prayers boldly answered? Why haven’t these things been done before? Has it been that I’ve been focused too much on myself and my mind was so busy with my ideas, my everything to still itself long enough to just be with God and recognize His blessings, His conversation with me, and His desire for all of the above things?
At times I will realize that my husband is speaking to me and I haven’t been listening. I believe that for years God has been trying to interject His thoughts yet I just either refused to acknowledge Him or I was so wrapped up in myself that I didn’t hear Him. I am ashamed at how inattentive I’ve been. I know the feeling I get when I’m busy and I cannot spend time with my daughter and I have to say “I’m really busy can you go away?” is about what she hears even when I say it in a politically correct way. I shudder at the number of times I’ve done this to God. I ignored the God of the University. I am ashamed of that.
Compartments
I have wondered how this semester the walls of the compartments that I’ve so neatly constructed as my life have tumbled down. I suddenly realized that no matter which compartment I went into, Jesus was there. I haven’t been worried about this, rather I have run from room to room of my compartments and there He was. By the end of the running from room to room I was squealing with delight although it started out to be a bit fear producing. I mean there is a special room where I keep the part of me I don’t want others to see. Therein lie the fears, the jealousy, the low self-esteem, the anger, the mistrust, and all the ugly things that God doesn’t like but that I regularly use, experience, and attempt to hide. I wanted to, at first, throw myself across the door and say “NO! You cannot go into this one God” then I realized that I was a child throwing a tantrum when my God already had seen into the room and knew everything in there. After a heavy sigh, I confessed all these ugly emotions, actions, attitude, and beliefs to Christ. I told him I struggled with these all the time. He told me he already knew and that he would be with me in every situation. I knew then that Jesus had been in the room and had been in the other rooms when I was in the emotion room. He knew when I screamed, he knew when I threw myself on the floor in a tantrum, and he knew when I was coveting someone else’s situation and lamenting my own. He already knew but because I’d kept him away from what I perceived as “my” secrets, I’d forgotten how close he really was. He already knew-he was just waiting for ME to know.
Working in a Faith-Based Setting
When I worked at Baylor (1997 – 2006) I was surrounded by faith-based philosophy, practice, vocabulary, and activities. I learned that there is a specific vocabulary one uses when working in the faith-based institution, there are certain things people did or did not do, and there was a cultural expectation for behavior. One example is that students wouldn’t go to church but would dress up to go to lunch in the dining hall, appearing as though they had attended church. The pressure was more substantial to appear as though one attended church than to be authentic and confess that one was tired or simply lazy. I believe Baylor provided me an amazing intellectual transformation for my faith. I was blessed with an amazing opportunity to be submerged in the concepts of the faith. I learned the basis for small-groups and their potential, I learned about community, how it is built, how it is nurtured, and its benefits. I learned about arguments of whether or not women should speak in church and teach adults. I also experienced a number of situations where “good Christians” were not behaving in a way that honored God. I often wondered, if and when I left Baylor, would I remain in Christian higher education. I wondered where God would send me.
My answer came in May 2006 when I was offered a position at Tarleton State University. The state institution was a rural entity with many things that in retrospect I would have preferred to have differently but I know Christ brought me to Tarleton and I will be here until He decides for me to leave. There is no reason to “fake” my beliefs at Tartleton. Faculty and staff do not care about God being involved in the work setting; there is no praying over processes, no starting a staff meeting or interview with prayer. In many ways I am more outwardly Christian than I was at Baylor and honestly I believe I am more authentic. At Baylor I wasn’t a member of one of the Top 3 Baptist churches in town nor did I involve myself with activities such as choir or youth programs. At Baylor I was viewed as “lesser” because I did not keep myself busy in the way others did. Frankly I felt that the culture of busy-ness seemed to prevent me from having a close, real relationship. So I just couldn’t do it, I’m an introvert. Going from a full, very full work day of meeting with people I was drained by the end of the day and needed time to recharge my batteries.
Now at Tarleton I have demonstrated that my faith is of the highest priority and others know me as a faithful woman. I believe I have demonstrated the qualities that make Christ happy: humility, faithfulness, patience, positivity, peace, kindness, (although that one was a while at arriving since I was so driven and focused). I am still learning and will continue to do so until I die! Now my question is whether or not I’ll stay in a non-faith-based environment or will Christ lead me back to a faith-based context and possibly offer what I’ve learned? Henri Nouwents book Spiritual Direction is filled with exposing my vulnerability. One example is:
Can you dare to believe that God’s story about you puts your story in spiritual perspective? One way to do this is to write down your personal story without editing out your vulnerability and the brokenness and to be willing to tell your story to others. (p. 46).
Telling my story and letting others know the messy me is hard. Exposing that messy person has been tough but it made this paper easier to write and it made me a more authentic follower of Jesus. I am no longer afraid to share my story because I’ve allowed Jesus into the compartment that is the ugliest of all and I’m still loved!
How Does This Impact Things?
In the Leading Change in Higher Education class with Anita we were given an assignment to write our personal leadership philosophy at the beginning of class then again at the end of the semester. In the beginning I chuckled because I didn’t think enough time would pass for change to occur and I didn’t believe enough recent literature existed to provide any significant change. How naïve I turned out to be. Not only did I change my leadership philosophy but also Christ changed me. I have undergone a significant change and primarily it is due to spending more time conversing with God and learning how to trust him with ALL of me. I am now a different person because of my love for others, which God commanded me to do. I also am able to write this paper from a new, fresh perspective than had I written it in January.
I am so thankful for the blessings I have and those to come.
