Angry God

In my last entry, I noted that I’ve learned that I must be sensitive to potentially discounting (or mistrusting) male leadership thanks to my primary male role model I had growing up. So, imagine my faith journey struggle with the male-dominated image of God which comes from Christianity.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized the issue this struggle with male leadership presented for me.  Historically, I was exposed to deep East Texan Southern Baptist theology.  This is the “hell, fire, and brimstone” approach with its threats of hell, yelling, angry God, religion.  When I was about ten years old and got “saved,” I was more motivated to avoid eternal damnation and to try to appease this pissed off deity, than I was seeking a real and active relationship with a gracious and loving Father.  Heck, I wasn’t even sure I knew what a gracious and loving Father was!

To begin, my father figure model was one which was angry, volatile, and mean.  The anger would often result in outburst of fury, frustration, or simply being annoyed with everyday challenges.  Having a volatile individual is challenging for others because behaviors or responses/choices are inconsistent.  Agreed upon behaviors may occur one day but change the next.  Finally, the father figure model I was familiar with would be mean to others with no justification.  Judgment of others also occurred with no basis for the decisions.

My original model of God was similar to my father figure model.  God, I deducted, was one pissed off dude.  God destroyed a lot of stuff (people, cities, animals, and belongings).  A lot of the Bible taught “fear” of God.  Besides, if you are ten years old and are taught about a lot of “burning in Hell,” fire, and learn about it all through a lot of yelling, you truly do fear God. (note:  for most purposes, the Bible’s interpretation of fear is more aligned with the word respect)

The model I understood also taught me about how God punished random people by giving them disease, dire circumstances, and heartbreak.  It was hard to really like God.  Rather than developing a spiritual maturity, I viewed God as one would view a junkyard dog.  I could understand the purpose, but as I passed by, I was certainly hoping not to draw attention to myself!

After being exposed to a new model, in many ways, introduced through the reading of the book Disappointment with God (Yancy, 1997), I learned about God as a gentle friend who, it turns out, isn’t always pissed off.  Rather, God based everything on love and promoted love and justice in every way.  I changed my view to see that God wasn’t angry with me.  God could certainly be disappointed in me and, at times, may provide discipline or correction, but rather than a wrathful, mean deity from a distance, my newly found, kind Spirit helped me learn, gro2wn, and move more closely aligned with the mission of Christ to love others like I’m being loved.

Additionally, I realized that actually God is consistent and I could count on him.  God has demonstrated for me over and over that he has got my back.  As I began to think about this, I recognized that God may not really “fit” in the model I’d expected of him.  If God could contrast this key aspect of the model, might I have had the wrong impression of him all along?  Might there be other aspects of God I had wrong?

So, I began to relax.  I began to read about relationship.  I learned there were “out of the box” ideas like having a conversation with God, God patiently and lovingly waiting for me.  I am happy to report today that I have moved away from the old model of anger and punishment while moving closer to the true relationship with a real and loving God.

I now spend time investing in our relationship instead of running scared.  I prefer my loving God greatly over my angry God.  He’s a keeper!

Role Modeling

Because my primary male role-model was unreliable, volatile, inconsistent, and weak, I didn’t trust him.  I learned that promises were made and never kept so talk was just talk.  I learned safety was a foreign concept and I was easily the sacrificial lamb.  And I learned that one’s wants were an acceptable substitute for needs.

In short, I learned not to trust.

What I didn’t realize until more recently was that my lack of trust was/is more heavily applied to men.  I find that at times, I am less generous with the benefit of the doubt for men.

Even though I have had a consistent, long-term male role model for the last 30 years, I realized I was being less generous with grace because of my early childhood history.

I’m now working to try and recogniz3e when I am being less gracious to male influences.  For example, I will likely need to be a little more thoughtful when evaluating political leader’s actions.  Instead of quickly discounting a policy or initiative, I’ll need to likely consider it more carefully.

By the same token, I’ve tended to give exceptional grace to female leaders.  So, I still need to thoughtfully consider my perspective regardless, to assure I am not being too generous.

So, overall, my lesson is self-awareness.  Before doing anything or making a decision, I need to critically evaluate the merits of the opportunity/activity and not allow the leadership to influence my leanings one way or another.

On Waiting and the New Year

I got a new planner for 2017.  This is not really big news because I get a new planner every year.  But this year’s planner is called The Sacred Ordinary Days Planner.  You can learn about it here.  The planner follows the Liturgical year.

I received my planner just as Advent—the beginning of the Liturgical year, began.  This planner has truly introduced me to the pattern of the Church’s calendar and what “Ordinary Time” means.

For the first time in my life, I’ve been able to focus this Advent on waiting.  What a longing there must have been within the Jewish people as they waited for the Messiah.  Day after day, month after month, year after year—waiting.  I imagine some days filled with hope and some days filled with pain.

The Jewish people survived on a promise.  The promise was detailed in their sacred texts and they meditated and talked about the promise.  And waited.  I’ve only waited four weeks in symbolic ritual to demonstrate the waiting the Jewish people did for such a long, long time.  It is difficult to imagine the wait through such pains and persecution but the people remained faithful to the promise and to their God.

Can you imagine how difficult their days had to be?  Think of the loyalty one demonstrates in the face of ridicule and discrimination, day in and day out.  Yet, the Jewish people went home at night and gave thanks to their God and spoke with hope of a time to come.

As I write this, I think of young black men who live in fear of a traffic stop.  I think of Syrian families torn up and apart by war, living in a refugee camp or, if they are lucky, they moved to America or Germany, or the United Kingdom—but facing anger and sentiments of an unwelcome nature.

I think of gay men and women who simply want to live their life, maybe even worship God, but are condemned by the very brothers and sisters who should be breaking bread with them and showing love.

Yet, the young Black men, the Syrian, and the homosexual wait.  Every day.  Some days are filled with hope.  And some days are filled with pain.

Through this lens we don’t seem to have come so far.

As Advent draws to a close and we ready our hearts to welcome anew, the Messiah, let us reflect on this little Jewish baby that grew into a Rabbi with a mission of love.  The religious leaders of his day asked him about the greatest commandment and his response was to love the Lord our God with all we have in us, and to love others as ourselves.

Let 2017 be a year of love and may our Messiah warm our hearts to demonstrate his love as he would.

Love for 2017!

Dormant, Not Dead

I went dormant several (ok, eight or nine) years ago.  I didn’t know I was dormant.  Once I was dormant though, I wandered through life questioning everything from my calling to my sanity.  What I have learned though is that I was dormant, not dead.

In preparing to write this blog, I asked myself, “What message do I want to share?”  Upfront I am going to give you my, a-ha moment.  While it is fine to question things, even your calling—when you, as an average person, get to the point that you are questioning your own self-worth and sanity, it isn’t you.  When you check with your support system and they have no concerns about your mental health—it isn’t you.

As someone who naturally questions self before others, I have discovered that a limit does exist regarding how deeply you can turn inward.

Almost 11 years ago I accepted a promising position.  Within a couple of years from beginning the position my confidence had already taken a beating and I was searching for strategies and new approaches for working with my new environment.  Unfortunately nothing was working.  Fast forward two demotions and being moved into a closet (yes, picture the movie Office Space) and my mind was whirling.  I’d tried every approach known and was still meeting with failure after failure.

Keep in mind that all the while, I am still trying.  I am still showing up with a positive attitude and trying to be a productive member of my work environment.  Yet, day after day time moved forward and then days turned to weeks, weeks to months and months to years.  I questioned myself.  Tried different approaches again and again.

Then, after 10.5 years, I got a new boss.  I began meeting regularly and planning new projects. Within my heart something was happening.  In as little as four months, this new boss had found an ember within this pile of ash and begun to stoke a flame.

What I have learned from this decade of wandering and questioning is this:  sustaining an environment which is not aligned with your strengths and giftedness leads to wrapping yourself in a cocoon or layers of protection.  The more I questioned myself and found my approach falling short for success, the more I would chastise myself and cut that option from the list of potential approaches.  Unfortunately, after such a sustained or prolonged exposure to extreme stress, you find yourself within a thick cocoon that you do not even realize is thee.  It has just become a part of you.

What should one do?  First, do not wait as long as I did!  The prolonged stress has cost me and caused damages I cannot repair.

Second, document everything.  You simply are better served in every way if you will document—simple journaling every minute detail.

Third, approach leadership to explain your unique strengths and giftedness and ask if you might have a project which will allow you to work in your strengths at least some of the time.

Fourth, outside of your work time, find ways to nurture your strengths.  Join a church/synagogue, a civic organization, or get involved in a not-for-project.  There tends to be great need for individuals to pour into such organizations.

Finally, realize that in some way, the misalignment is costing you (physical health, emotional/mental health) and there may come a time which requires you to make a tough decision.  One note I will point out is that you should consider if your misalignment is with the organization as a whole or with your particular leadership area or leader.  Does your analysis result in a need to leave your organization entirely or might a transfer within the organization provide the needed relief?

This process requires self-reflection, a neutral confidante, and the wise counsel of friends.

With these steps, it is possible to open the cocoon and emerge once again, strong with new energy and passion.  Ultimately, you were just dormant, not dead.