Being a Strong Woman

A friend recently began dating an individual I would describe as a strong woman.  That description has also been used to describe me as well so it made me think about strong women. 

For a very long time, women who have particular giftedness such as leadership have had to play down their gifts because being strong created the “aggressive” label (or worse).

I did the same thing.  I have tried to downplay my natural inclinations my whole life.  I have bitten my tongue, failed to offer opinions, and simply sat still while action was called for……yet there have also been times when I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, couldn’t help myself from speaking, and someone had to get started so why not me.

I have often heard things like “intimidating.”  What?  I’m the biggest marshmallow!  How can someone think I’m intimidating.

I guess my natural inclinations have likely spilled out more than my reservations.  Thus the strong woman reference.

Recently I was giving thought to strong women such as Trudie Styler (actress and director and wife of Sting) and Ali Hewson (activist and wife of Bono).  These women have made an impact on this world, have used their giftedness for a greater good, and have developed and maintained their own identity all the while having a strong man as a partner.

My husband has always said that it takes a very secure and strong man to handle a strong woman.  I affirm that 100%

I have been thinking about what being a strong woman is and what it takes to be in relationship with one.

First, I recently listened to John Ortberg discuss giftedness and he affirmed a perspective that if a woman is called to lead, then LEAD.  Don’t downplay your gift.  You can see his amazing 19 minute message here: Ortber on Leadership

Identity Development

I believe that strong women have to go through major identity development.  Having grown up in the Bible Belt where there is a church on every corner, I was brought up to believe the man should lead and the woman should be subservient. I was taught that a “good” woman yields to men, is supportive instead of a leader, and needs affirmation from others to be the best she can be.

That just never sat well with me.  It actually makes me bristle.

As I have grown into a comfort within my own skin, I have come to accept, even welcome, my strong edge.  I’m getting too old to downplay my ideas and abilities.  But this perspective has come at a high price.  I have plenty of scars to tell the war stories of how I spent time crying over being who I am and wishing I’d been created differently. 

·         Why oh why couldn’t I have kept my mouth shut?

·         Why couldn’t I have just not taken that initiative?

·         Why couldn’t I have not shared those ideas which threatened my male leadership?

Yep, been there, done that, gone lots of tshirts!  Oh so many tshirts.

It is only through my amazing relationship with my STRONG husband, watching my mentors, and lots of prayer that I am where I am with myself today.

Today I can more easily walk away from someone who might not be comfortable with my style as opposed to staying around and trying to change myself.

Today I will more than likely offer my thoughts and folks can take them or leave them.  It does not impact my self-esteem to have external affirmations like it once did.  Once it was essential.  Today it is always nice to be complimented but it no longer shapes my identity.

On Being Companion to a Strong Woman:

Being Secure with Yourself

To be with a strong woman, a partner has to be secure with their own leadership and their own identity. 

There comes a point in every person’s identity and leadership development when he or she has to decide whether or not someone is a threat or an asset. 

If an individual gets “stuck” in feeling like others are threats, it can lead to a miserable existence.

It is much more enjoyable in life to value other people and see their gifts as a resource and asset.  Let’s make great things together!

When in a relationship with a strong woman, it is absolutely essential to be secure enough in self and leadership that the strong woman’s initiatives, ideas, and ruminations are not threatening to the partner.

Allowing Her Freedom

It is essential in a relationship with a strong woman that her partner allow opportunity for her to utilize her strengths and giftedness but to also be vulnerable. 

There are times when the strong woman needs to fall apart.  She’ll put herself back together but she needs space and understanding to wallow for a while in her issue without judgment and without constraints.

A strong partner knows how to provide that unique challenge and support environment where the strong woman is allowed to wallow, to ruminate, to marinate even…..because eventually she will pull herself together and emerge stronger than ever.

Partners must allow the flow back and forth between strength and vulnerability.  That flow provides the security a strong woman needs in relationship in order to develop her best identity, grow her gifts, and be the best she can be.

Defining Resilience

Likely you have heard the phrase, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  This statement was the beginning of a paper I wrote during my doctoral work.  The professor noted that typically she did not approve of using a colloquialism in formal writing but in this case, it worked because I went on to write that this informal phrase was a way to express the definition of resilience.  Formally, resilience is,

A dynamic process encompassing positive adaptation within the context of significant adversity.   Implicit within this notion are two critical conditions:  1) Exposure to significant threat or severe adversity; and 2) The achievement of positive adaptation despite major assaults on the developmental process (Luthar, 2000).

Masten (2001), defined resilience as referring to “a class of phenomena characterized by good outcomes in spite of serious threats to adaptation or development.” 

Reivich (2002) proposed resilience as “the basic strength, underpinning all the positive characteristics in a person’s emotional psychological makeup.  It is the bedrock on which all else is built.”

I have come to realize that I am a very resilient individual.  While I have had multiple setbacks and challenges in my life, I put my energies into my education and my faith.  My education has only taken me so far, but my faith has undergirded everything, even my resilience by giving me hope for a future. 

The definitions above strips resilience down to the good and the bad.  The bad comes with exposure to negatives such as abuse, neglect, or trauma.  But the resilient individual continues progressing in spite of these negatives.

During my own life, I faced multiple setback and negatives.  Yet, I put my energies into paths or avenues which allowed me to continue to feel positive and move forward. Early on I realized that I was a stand-out in the classroom.  I remember now that during my doctoral ceremony the Provost said that less than 2% of individuals in the world obtained their doctoral degree.  I remembered that because it made me feel like I have accomplished something really unique.

While my education has taken me a long, long way and provided me with so many blessings, nothing can compare to the foundation upon which everything is built, my faith.  Faith provides the hope for everything:  for a better tomorrow or a better next year, or even just a stability for the moment.  While I did not grow up in a religious environment by any means, I did have snippets of exposure which allowed me to explore something bigger than myself.  To have a hinting that the world consisted of more than just the tangible here and now made a huge difference in my environment.  It gave me hope of a better future.

So resilience is defined as overcoming the negatives with good.  We see resilient individuals all the time and we see individuals who are not so resilient.  The funny thing is, I do not recall anyone teaching me resilience.  It seems to be something within me that might just be lined to my tenacity (translated:  stubbornness).

The benefits of resilience are a forward progression.  My daughter shared a story with me yesterday about a gentlemen who has designed some make-up.  He tells of how he was homeless and working in a retail store when he believed in his dreams of developing a line of makeup.  Now the brand is taking off and he has a beautiful home as well as luxuries many dream about.  His advice was to continue to believe in your dreams even through the hard times because dreams do come true.

Resilience has a purpose, it inspires home when struggles reign. Resilience provides a belief that something better and something greater is obtainable and within reach.  Resilience provides our future.

What makes a resilient person?  What chips away at natural resilience?

Writing Prompt:  Is there a time you can think of which was especially difficult for you but on the other side of the situation you can note positive outcomes?

Calling Revisted

One area I’m currently trying to “metabolize (Julia Cameron’s word) in my life, especially through writing, is this idea of calling being different during different seasons of life.

            For a very long time, I thought my calling was to work directly with college students.  For 17 years I worked on the front lines of student affairs work—first as a residence hall director then doing ten years at Baylor hiring community leaders, training students which meant being right in front of the, or sitting beside them for hours up on hours. 

            I advised student groups even getting elected to state and regional honors.  Me and students hand-in-hand.  Then, six years at Tarleton-same thing, recruiting, casting vision, training, advising, mentoring.

            Then I got moved to assessment and the students were not on my front line any longer.  They were more removed but luckily I officed in the Student Center so I still felt connected and involved.

            Then I got moved to the Office of Institutional Research & Effectiveness and to the second floor of the Tarleton Center.  Student traffic is extremely limited.  If we see a student, the student is usually lost.

            For a couple of years now I have wallowed in the “but my calling is to work with college students” song.  But what if my calling during this season is different?  What if my calling right now is something like studying college student?  What if, during this season, I’m support to research and write?  Honestly that calling scares me.  The “what if I’m not good enough” question looms.  What if?  All I can do is offer my best.

            I know I’m a good writer (no disrespect to my doctoral Dept. Chair who indicates I’m not a good writer….sorry Dr. Schreiner.)  I’ve recently gotten lots of writing affirmation so that is a Divine acknowledgment.  So why am I worried?  I have no logical argument!

            I read in A Confident Heart that Satan uses tactics such as “not good enough” which are broad, illogical statements which are not beneficial in helping an individual grow and learn.  So I know that I must walk forward.

            What will I study?

            Or what if my calling is now to use more of my giftedness such as strategic planning?  How might I go about getting that fire started?  How might I pour into those strengths more intentionally?

            And how to still this impatient and anxious soul?  Writing is my space creator.  Through writing I slow my pace to one that allows me to make sense of this crazy life.  Writing allows me to connect with the Divine and pour bright, white light into a situation, bath it with love, forgiveness, and joy.  How do I get more writing into my life?

            It seems it all comes down to intention.  Just like I pull those covers back onto the bed every day to assure the bed is made and fresh, I fold the sheets down and place the pillow in a line, I am going to have to be more intentional with writing.  I am going to have to crawl out of that bed and sometimes in a hazy, groggy state put pen to paper or click those keyboard keys.

            Could it be that intention is a big part of calling?  I recently wrote about being open not being a static state but rather requires movement through one’s life in an active way.  Is calling the same?  Get out and do something and the call arrives?

            Could it be through the openness and action that we run into the plane of our calling?  Maybe I’m on to something here!

            Maybe a reflective disruption happens when action and openness are intersected, causing reflection with the potential realization of calling.  Parker Palmer noted that “vocation does not come from willfulness, it comes from listening.”

            Ok life, I’m listening!

A Confident Heart

A Confident Heart

Swope, R. (2011). A Confident Heart. Revell, Ada, Michigan.

I recently finished reading A Confident Heart by Renee Swope.  I began reading with a bit of skepticism.  I’m to the point now in which I have read enough so called self-help book that I am becoming a bit jaded.  Frankly I believe I am to the point where I expect fluff.  

This book though, captured my attention enough to pass the “Order from Amazon” test so it made the first hurdle.

As I worked my way into the first few chapters, I was pleased to note a good bit of grounding.  The author did not just say something, rather she grounded it in scripture.

And she didn’t just ground it in scripture, it was thoughtful connections as well!

One point Swope made that will stick with me for a good while is that when we are doubting ourselves, remember that accusations do not come from God.  Scripture may convict but Scripture does not accuse.  Scripture also provides a path to a deeper and more loving relationship with Christ and others.  Accusations simply condemn.

While we may have a fight with a friend and say something hurtful, accusations would tell us we are bad while the Holy Spirit would prompt us to recognize our hurtful statements and ask us to restore the relationship.

A great quote from Swope noted,

Until our hearts find complete security and significance in God’s unconditional love, we will never be satisfied.  Those of us who struggle with insecurity and find ourselves in the shadow of doubt often get there because we are seeking our validation in people’s opinion, our worth in accomplishments, and our identity in excessive commitments.

Swope urges readers to take action to identify where one’s security and significance groundings.  

Swope even referenced one of most helpful authors in noting the work of Neil T. Anderson’s, Victory Over the Darknes;  a very valuable resource for anyone struggling with critical self-talk.

Two final thoughts I appreciated from Swopes:  “If you want to know your purpose, pursue the heart of God and you’ll have a head-on collision with your calling” and “sometimes staying is a step of faith.”

I will be posting thoughts about purpose soon.  But I believe Swopes is on to something with both statements.  Sometimes it is easy to deflect deep reflection and commitment by being on the go, even when the work is worthy stuff.

I remember at one institution I worked we would note some students who would overextend themselves.  Usually the projects the students were involved with were highly important and valuable but sometimes a student just stretched him or herself too thin.  There were times when we would say “what are they trying to avoid?”  I still encounter individuals like this. Folks that cannot be with themselves, alone, for any length of time or folks who are involved to the point they neglect important things.

I appreciated this book and would recommend it.  It is solid in format, structure, and foundation.  

A good piece that will benefit those shy of heart as well as those just seeking to continue to improve.

I found this blog entry quite profound.  Enough said.

Why It Is Often Better To Say Less

I Want To Write More Because.......My Response to Prompt

I signed up for the newsletter from Rain Wilson's site which produces the Kid President series.  This month there was a little ditty about writing and you could sign up for a daily writing prompt.  I believe the email is helloprompt.com if you want to sign up.

So, I signed up and the first prompt was:

"I want to write more because....."

Here is my response:

I want to write more because the message erupts from within and the blank page beckons; asking to fulfill its purpose of holding the sacred within its boundaries. The cadence of the keys intoxicate my spirit and the pen ignites something within that guides the ink to imbue the fibers. 

My thoughts, my beliefs, my story come upon my mind so strongly.  Yet hand-in-hand come the doubts.  Others are better writers.  It has already been said.  You have nothing new to add to the world.  My heart does not care, the words must match forward.  I believe in what I do and it satisfies my soul.  

Advice to my Young (Current & Future) Self

I have been thinking a bit about what advice I would give to my younger self.  Over the last four years-ish, I have really been struggling with some issues so I began to think about the “what if” scenarios.  What if I had done this or not done that?  What if this hadn’t happened or that had taken place?  One can spend much time wallowing in the “what if” zone.

But I wanted to be more productive, more positive and ultimately make a difference for my future. 

While I’m entitling this little entry “advice to my younger self,” it turns out to also be advice to my current self!

·         You are beautiful just as you are. 

o   People will emotionally beat you up for being who you are.  Be who you are.  God likes you and that’s all that matters.

o   Stop and do not repeat the abuse of your body.  It is going to be the thing that carries you the long distance so be kind to it.

My Body

I’m beautiful just as I am.  Not too long ago, I came to terms with (if you ever really come to terms with anything) the fact that I’m going to struggle with my weight forever.  It will never be a non-issue. 

It has been an issue since I was four years old and it will be an issue forever.  But I can control how much of an issue it is.

Don’t let it be a consuming issue.  Learn to eat for fuel, not for fun.  Don’t abuse your body.  It turns out that your body is the thing that sticks with you long term so treat it well and hopefully it will carry you a long way.

Be Who You Are

People will beat you up for being who you are.  Be you anyway.  Most people who talk about you, laugh at you, or cut you down are actually so down on themselves it is not you they dislike-it’s them.

God didn’t create us to be cookie-cutter people.  God truly wants people to be unique and God likes you just like you are.  Don’t strive to be like others-just be you!

Change

·         The grass is going to look greener, smell better, and often call to you from the other side.  Don’t rush into change.

·         You are going to tell people to keep walking through doors because God will close the ones that are not supposed to be open.  Maybe it’s better to slow down and (See #1) analyze the doors, test the doors, and push the doors, before you run through them.

·         You are impulsive, figure that out earlier and build a tribe to check your impulsivity.  That will pay off in the end.

At 50, I realize I have spent my lifetime chasing some things and it turns out, I’ve lived to regret a thing or two.  While, in the immediate, the grass looked and smelled better than the side I was one, I would have probably been better off just saying on my side of the pasture.  There are a couple of times I cut the fence that I wish I could take back.  I shouldn’t have rushed into change.

Over the course of my life I’ve dished out some bad advice.  One thing I’ve said is that you should keep walking through doors because God will close the ones you’re not supposed to walk through.  Now that I think about it, maybe I should have been a better partner with God rather than just making God shoulder 99.9% of it all. 

Maybe it’s better to slow down, analyze the doors, test the doors, and push them slightly before running through them.  See advice about greener grass above.  Grass that is dead but spray painted green still looks good from a distance.  But it’s dead.

Relationships

·         Learn to trust those who count.

o   It’s worth it.

·         Expand relationships.  You need more than one friend.

Learning to trust has been pretty much one of the hardest lessons of my life.  But it is worth it.  I’m not saying placing trust won’t be a mistake, but once I’ve vetted something, I should go for it.  And don’t take 50 years to vet something.

I have even written a blog before on my fascination with the number one.  My advice to my younger self would be to amass a tsunami of friends.  Don’t guard myself too much.  It’s ok to have a large circle of influence but a smaller group of trusted advisors.  Gather friends like a bucket of blackberries.  Each one a different flavor, intensity, ripeness.  But putting them all together makes a great cobbler and a great life.

Don’t limit relationships (by Nadine Bruner).