January in the Rearview Mirror

January is already over!  The new of 2015 has worn off and we are into regular wear and tear!

January was hectic and I’m looking forward to February.

Related to our words:  rejuvenate and harmony

I feel like we did well with harmony.

I, personally, did not do well with my invitation of bringing more into my life with rejuvenation.  I need to work on this.

Related to my health:  I feel like I’m pulling into the passing lane!  I’m getting more control of my blood sugar as of the 27^th of the month.  While readings had been running 250-450, I am now back around 150.  I should feel better quickly.

During the month, Dr. Fung, helped me understand a little more about lupus.  Fortunately I am not in an active flare right now.  Although we ALL want to figure out the anemia.

My need for February is to invite myself to exercise more and experiment with a new flood plan, which involves more carbohydrates and vegetables.

My high point this month was flying to Los Angeles and presenting my dissertation findings then being Hooded.

February’s focus is going to be REJUVENATION & HARMONY THROUGH INTENTIONALITY.

Turning Over Rocks

Ray says I can’t write about reality.

He is right though, it always gets me into trouble.

So I’ll change things and use metaphor or disguise to protect myself.

Or maybe I’m protecting the innocent like that quote, the names have been changed to protect the innocent

I was wrestling with text.  The kind of text that makes you turn it around like a rock you just picked up and you want to see what is on the underside.

But the underside is that part of your brain, your emotions, where you know you shouldn’t go

It’s not safe there

Woundings happen, blood gets spilt, and tears flow

But really not by some thug, you do it to yourself.

Over and over you turn the rock and sure enough, there is that stinging worm,

But you cannot help youself,

You have to poke it.

And what happens when the worm responds?

I recoil.  Gasp! Why me?  Why did the response come my way? I whimper.

I feel targeted and alone.   I want to throw the rock.

And a tantrum.

But I steadymyself.

Is the worm’s response inordinate?

I mean, I did pick the rock up.  I did poke around.

I disturbed the natural environment.

What is my best approach?

Continue with the desired tantrum?

Or return the rock and restore balance, demonstrating my

Value for the worm’s order?

I choose to yield to the worm, the rock, and to a greater good.

It really is better to stay out of the underside too much or for too long.  Maintain a healthy respect for it and its order but don’t disrupt and don’t try to overly your order atop.

A force bigger than you and me is in control.

For The Weekend

Currently I am mesmerized by Sarah Kay!  I am reading her latest work No Matter The Wreckage.  LOVE IT!  LOVE HER!

Rejuvenation & Harmony

Welcoming Harmony & Rejuvenation

Sometimes things are so obvious you just miss them—like the forest and the trees.  Over the break I had one of those moments.  Ray and I have had a heightened awareness of what we are inviting and allowing into our lives for about the last month.

We have limited our exposure to the daily news and tried to frame our discussions in a way, which reinforced positive energy.  This has been a tremendously positive initiative for me!  It has impacted my energy level and my overall perspective.

I would venture to say I have even had a change in fundamental philosophy from a pathological basis to a positive psychological basis.

So, for 2015, Ray and I are committing to nurturing and inviting rejuvenation and harmony into our world.  This is going to push us out of our comfort zones because we tend to minimize self at the priority of other.  So to nurture self and commit to renewal and replenishing at least once per month will be both awesome and a bit uncomfortable!

To be fair, there is a flip side to the invitation of rejuvenation and harmony.  I am minimizing fear and anxiety this year.  For too long these emotions have been a part of my daily life and I am working this year to dig up the roots of these issues and chop them off at the source.

Ray and I are excited for our commitments to wellbeing, spiritual growth, and all the new year has to bring!  We are blessed for al the friends and family who will journey with us this year!

It is time to dust off the blog!

I wrote this in late 2013 and lately I have been feeling a significant pull to write.

I am called to be a writer

I am called to communicate in a way in which helps others connects with the struggle to matter and to usher those feelings forward in a manageable cadence.

I am called to help others anchor the unknown to the known of self and God.

So get ready world, it's time to dust off the blog and crank things up for 2015!

Standing in the Same Place But Different!

The inside of the Starbucks had changed so much! I hardly recognized the set up! The chairs--the soft, squishy--chairs I used just, two years ago were gone.  I suppose students needed more room for meetings and desktop space.  I was glad to see the responsiveness of Starbucks and the iterative nature of being attuned to one’s environment.

            Similar to Starbucks, I too had changed.   Where once there stood a scared, timid woman doubting herself, on Monday, September 8, 2014 a strong, confident woman walked onto the Azusa campus and defended, with distinction, dissertation.  

After we got everything set up, all there was to do was wait until time for the defense.  My husband, poor thing, was a wreck.  His palms were sweating, his hands were shaking, and he was so anxious.

I took his hands in mine and I said “babe, I got this.  Don’t worry, I am going to knock this outta here!  I promise you, I got this!”

I now celebrate my accomplishment, I recognize that I meandered through a process and as the end of this road, not everyone is happy I’m done.

            I returned to work on Wednesday, September 10 and learned my peers were throwing a party for me on Thursday, September 11.  What an amazing event that party was!  Oh my glory!  I had a ball!  I went from person to person loving everyone and just relishing the moments.  I had so much fun!  Celebrating is the way to go!  Wow!

            I have peers who zoomed through the dissertation in lightning speed and I applaud them!  I must had to do it in my own way though which is a little more slow and steady, more intentional.  Like the song says—I did it my way.   I had a great deal of fun though as I went along the way; I stopped and smelled the flowers, looked at puffy clouds, and made sure I saw important things.  I feel like I lived life without sacrificing it too much.  I found balance and again—I did it my way.

            As I pulled into the station of celebration, I learned that not everyone is happy I have a doctorate.  Quite frankly it threatens some people who are insecure and fake.  But in the end….you know what?   Regardless of how he feels, he still has to call me Dr. Wallace!  And you know what else? I did it MY WAY!

Girl, Get Real

I recently read a thoughtful piece by Andrea Lucado ( find it here:  http://storylineblog.com/2014/05/30/are-you-afraid-of-admitting-what-you-want/ )

which really made me think about  tempering emotions……especially joy.

For as long as I can remember, I have tempered joy.  I have done so, appearing cool, detached, nonchalant, in earlier times striving to avoid being labeled as silly, childish, immature even.

While on the outside-to others, I would justify this tempering by saying things which neutralize the potential for joy.  I might discount my enthusiasm for a potential job/promotion expectancy (hope) by pointing out my shortcomings in experience.  Or, I might counteract my contributions (recognition) to a project by pointing out everyone else’s gifts. 

What Lucado made me realize is that while I was guarding against disappointment (not getting the job, not being recognized), I was also neutralizing joy significantly. While I might be insulating myself from the hurt and pain, I have also been insulating myself from joy.

You cannot dull one spectrum of emotions without dulling the opposite end of the spectrum of emotions.

Lucado quotes author and researcher, Brene’ Brown in saying “It is much easier to live disappointed than it is to feel disappointment.” 

We so often believe we can insulate ourselves from the feelings.  At times we use things as insulation such as:  drugs, alcohol, or even socially accepted things such as work, or exercise.  In any form, we are trying to insulate, to put something between us and those feelings so we do not feel, I mean deeply feel. So we do not sit with those emotions and know what it is like to feel the pain of disappointment or of not being recognized, or of not fitting in. 

Lucado urges us to move forward into those feelings—to risk feeling the emotions of fear, of anxiety as they also lead to joy, to love, to belonging, and to faith.  For it is through the trail of anxiety and fear that we find joy.

It is through the allowing of these emotions to be felt that others come to know us, that others get to truly bond with us and have authentic relationships with us.