Changes to the Blog

I am considering a change in blogging.  This blog has been an evolutionary environment serving as a platform for class documentation during my doctoral work as well as a place to share my thoughts on a variety of subjects.

However, I am feeling a more focused approach is needed at this time.  While there is merit for a mental dumping ground, unless a writer is someone such as Ann Lamont, I tend to prefer visiting blogs with a focused angle rather than a random selection of topics.

I am considering a blog on higher education leadership.  I realize I would be entering a crowded field for sure.  However, I think I will approach the organization of the blog in the following ways:  Student leadership development, organizational leadersip/learning, and living as an introverted leader in higher education.

I am going to think about these three approaches for a few days.  It might be better to have four areas and tackle one per week for each month.

I could add something like assessment or even think about values or theory.  I do think it would help to think in fours as opposed to threes.

Lent, 2017

Today is Fat Tuesday.  In the past, Fat Tuesday was the day in which the lard (or fat) in the house was used before being thrown out for Lent.  Lent begins tomorrow.  Lent is the 40 day period leading up to Easter.

·        Moses spent 40 days on Mt. Sinai receiving the Law.

·        Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness being tested before beginning his public ministry.

·        We spend 40 days prior to Easter preparing for Christ’s resurrection.

I am reminded of the days of Advent, when we were symbolically preparing for Jesus’ birth.  During Advent we focused on Jesus’ birth.  During Advent we focused and on prayer and preparation, similar to these 40 days of Lent, where we are encouraged to fast, pray, and give.

Both Christmas and Easter are busy times of year with commercialization surrounding both.  However, it is important for us to still our souls in order to hear from the Lord.

It is easy to be caught up in the frenzy of prepartaions, decorations, shopping, and anticipation of gifts when, what God really wants is our open heart.

It is also easy to get side-tracked from God’s love when we focus too much on “giving up” something.  To combat this martyr syndrome, I stopped giving items up.  Instead I seek to do something extra such as do an extra devotional, have extra prayer time, or do something which focuses me on Jesus’ love and our relationship.

This year I’ve signed up for a Lent devotional from Biola University and will probably take a Saturday morning (or Thursday evening) yoga class which I expect will place me in a meditative/prayerful posture.

As I prepared for Lent this year, I read the book, The Good of Giving Up by Aaron Damiani.  Ultimately Damiani brings the reader to fasting, prayer, and giving.  In thinking about this blog, I wanted to leave my reader whith three tips for a successful Lent.  As I prepared, I thought my tips might circle these three areas provided by Damiani.

Fasting-For the first time in over a probably 20-year period, Ray and I will abstain fro meat on Fridays.  While no one with any chronic (or acute for that matter) illness should modify a diet without consulting a physician, fasting is to be used carefully. 

The point of a fast (from anything) during Lent is to remove distractions so as to focus on the relationship with Jesus.  Thus, make sure if you plan (with proper consultation) a fast, that you do it with your purpose in mind.

           

Prayer-Whether in community or in solitude, the point of our prayer is the ongoing dialogue between us and God.  Remember it is not a monologue of you droning on and on.  It is a monologue where you actually spend time listening for/to God.

Giving- Giving bestows blessings.  Regardless of the amount, God can turn our meager contributions into plenty.  God used a tiny amount to feed 5,000+.  God used water to bless guests at a wedding in Cana.  While we often think “I don’t have enough to give,” let God do the math because in God’s world, 2+2 does not equal 4!  Rather it might just be 2+2=5,000+

So while I plan on special events each week for Lent, the overall point is fast, pray, give.  May your Lent be richly blessed and your focus on the Truth.

Trust Yourself

I wonder at what point we learn to doubt ourselves?  I surely think we are born with a leaning toward confidence—we don’t stop, as an infant, to ponder whether we know how to do something, but rather we storm forward. 

But somewhere along the way we have doubt introduced or a question gets turned into fear and before we even know it, we suddenly have a lack of self-confidence.

Personally I don’t remember a time in my life which wasn’t blanketed in doubt or fear but I know confidence was there at one time because it will bubble through at points.  It seems the older I get though, the more I am returning to that confidence and leaving the fears behind. 

In short, I’m returning to a trust in myself.

Trusting myself is certainly a journey I’ve been on for a long time.  It seems that during my formative years in my career, I had the least confidence but now that I have been around a bit longer, either I care less about what others think or I have more confidence.  Or maybe a little of both.

In trusting myself, I have learned that there are three pieces of advice I try to keep in mind so I do not get bogged down in fear or self-doubt.

First—trust your gut.  It may take a while to learn (or relearn) to get in touch with your gut but it is worth it.  So often, in our busy lives, we have buried our intuition under layer upon layer of insulation.  We miss our intuition because we keep ourselves so busy we miss out on feeling anything.  Or we’ve padded ourselves from potential risk or pain so thoroughly an authentic feeling has trouble getting through. 

A solution to regain our intuition, that may help is to either meditate or do yoga.  I sometimes struggle with just meditation but if I start with yoga, I tend to then be able to move into some meditation more easily.

Second, limit your feedback receptivity to only your most trusted advisors who have your absolute best interest.  Do not take feedback from individuals who have no earned the right to speak into your life.  Take only those who offer the truth in love.

Finally, when you receive that truth in love and it hurt, check your heart, learn from your new knowledge then move on.  Do not dwell in the “what could have been” moments or get stalled in a pity party.  Spending too much time doubting yourself can become a lifestyle and I do not believe you were created for such a life.

It has taken me a long time to return to self-trust.  Sometimes it is a daily struggle.  But the clarity is worth it.

I Cannot Write

I’ve struggled to write lately.  In all aspects of my writing (journaling, blogging, aspiring book) I’ve simply felt dry—nothing to give.  Over most of January and until today I’ve felt dried up.  I read one writer describe herself as dry toast, no butter, no jelly/jam, nothing, just dry.  This spoke to me.

I have wondered what was wrong with me.  Why did I have nothing to write about?  Why were the thoughts, which normally come to me as quickly as I can write, suddenly gone?  What was going on with my mind?  I began to worry.

Then I realized the issue:  I have been reading the same book, a dense business book, for a month.  I thoroughly have enjoyed this book but it was almost a textbook as it required deep concentration.  Less prominent were my normal popcorn thoughts and more linear were my leadership and organizational thoughts.  Not to mention the need for retention.

Normally I read two to three books per month which provides a steady stream of new ideas, challenges, and topics.  In short, I tend not to get too tale with that volume of intake.  However, when my input ground to a slower pace, so did my output.

I’m realizing that my mind needs frequent new information in order for me to be my best self.  So today, I begin a new reading!  I’ll be posting about this new book, The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson, soon.

Angry God

In my last entry, I noted that I’ve learned that I must be sensitive to potentially discounting (or mistrusting) male leadership thanks to my primary male role model I had growing up. So, imagine my faith journey struggle with the male-dominated image of God which comes from Christianity.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized the issue this struggle with male leadership presented for me.  Historically, I was exposed to deep East Texan Southern Baptist theology.  This is the “hell, fire, and brimstone” approach with its threats of hell, yelling, angry God, religion.  When I was about ten years old and got “saved,” I was more motivated to avoid eternal damnation and to try to appease this pissed off deity, than I was seeking a real and active relationship with a gracious and loving Father.  Heck, I wasn’t even sure I knew what a gracious and loving Father was!

To begin, my father figure model was one which was angry, volatile, and mean.  The anger would often result in outburst of fury, frustration, or simply being annoyed with everyday challenges.  Having a volatile individual is challenging for others because behaviors or responses/choices are inconsistent.  Agreed upon behaviors may occur one day but change the next.  Finally, the father figure model I was familiar with would be mean to others with no justification.  Judgment of others also occurred with no basis for the decisions.

My original model of God was similar to my father figure model.  God, I deducted, was one pissed off dude.  God destroyed a lot of stuff (people, cities, animals, and belongings).  A lot of the Bible taught “fear” of God.  Besides, if you are ten years old and are taught about a lot of “burning in Hell,” fire, and learn about it all through a lot of yelling, you truly do fear God. (note:  for most purposes, the Bible’s interpretation of fear is more aligned with the word respect)

The model I understood also taught me about how God punished random people by giving them disease, dire circumstances, and heartbreak.  It was hard to really like God.  Rather than developing a spiritual maturity, I viewed God as one would view a junkyard dog.  I could understand the purpose, but as I passed by, I was certainly hoping not to draw attention to myself!

After being exposed to a new model, in many ways, introduced through the reading of the book Disappointment with God (Yancy, 1997), I learned about God as a gentle friend who, it turns out, isn’t always pissed off.  Rather, God based everything on love and promoted love and justice in every way.  I changed my view to see that God wasn’t angry with me.  God could certainly be disappointed in me and, at times, may provide discipline or correction, but rather than a wrathful, mean deity from a distance, my newly found, kind Spirit helped me learn, gro2wn, and move more closely aligned with the mission of Christ to love others like I’m being loved.

Additionally, I realized that actually God is consistent and I could count on him.  God has demonstrated for me over and over that he has got my back.  As I began to think about this, I recognized that God may not really “fit” in the model I’d expected of him.  If God could contrast this key aspect of the model, might I have had the wrong impression of him all along?  Might there be other aspects of God I had wrong?

So, I began to relax.  I began to read about relationship.  I learned there were “out of the box” ideas like having a conversation with God, God patiently and lovingly waiting for me.  I am happy to report today that I have moved away from the old model of anger and punishment while moving closer to the true relationship with a real and loving God.

I now spend time investing in our relationship instead of running scared.  I prefer my loving God greatly over my angry God.  He’s a keeper!

Role Modeling

Because my primary male role-model was unreliable, volatile, inconsistent, and weak, I didn’t trust him.  I learned that promises were made and never kept so talk was just talk.  I learned safety was a foreign concept and I was easily the sacrificial lamb.  And I learned that one’s wants were an acceptable substitute for needs.

In short, I learned not to trust.

What I didn’t realize until more recently was that my lack of trust was/is more heavily applied to men.  I find that at times, I am less generous with the benefit of the doubt for men.

Even though I have had a consistent, long-term male role model for the last 30 years, I realized I was being less generous with grace because of my early childhood history.

I’m now working to try and recogniz3e when I am being less gracious to male influences.  For example, I will likely need to be a little more thoughtful when evaluating political leader’s actions.  Instead of quickly discounting a policy or initiative, I’ll need to likely consider it more carefully.

By the same token, I’ve tended to give exceptional grace to female leaders.  So, I still need to thoughtfully consider my perspective regardless, to assure I am not being too generous.

So, overall, my lesson is self-awareness.  Before doing anything or making a decision, I need to critically evaluate the merits of the opportunity/activity and not allow the leadership to influence my leanings one way or another.

On Waiting and the New Year

I got a new planner for 2017.  This is not really big news because I get a new planner every year.  But this year’s planner is called The Sacred Ordinary Days Planner.  You can learn about it here.  The planner follows the Liturgical year.

I received my planner just as Advent—the beginning of the Liturgical year, began.  This planner has truly introduced me to the pattern of the Church’s calendar and what “Ordinary Time” means.

For the first time in my life, I’ve been able to focus this Advent on waiting.  What a longing there must have been within the Jewish people as they waited for the Messiah.  Day after day, month after month, year after year—waiting.  I imagine some days filled with hope and some days filled with pain.

The Jewish people survived on a promise.  The promise was detailed in their sacred texts and they meditated and talked about the promise.  And waited.  I’ve only waited four weeks in symbolic ritual to demonstrate the waiting the Jewish people did for such a long, long time.  It is difficult to imagine the wait through such pains and persecution but the people remained faithful to the promise and to their God.

Can you imagine how difficult their days had to be?  Think of the loyalty one demonstrates in the face of ridicule and discrimination, day in and day out.  Yet, the Jewish people went home at night and gave thanks to their God and spoke with hope of a time to come.

As I write this, I think of young black men who live in fear of a traffic stop.  I think of Syrian families torn up and apart by war, living in a refugee camp or, if they are lucky, they moved to America or Germany, or the United Kingdom—but facing anger and sentiments of an unwelcome nature.

I think of gay men and women who simply want to live their life, maybe even worship God, but are condemned by the very brothers and sisters who should be breaking bread with them and showing love.

Yet, the young Black men, the Syrian, and the homosexual wait.  Every day.  Some days are filled with hope.  And some days are filled with pain.

Through this lens we don’t seem to have come so far.

As Advent draws to a close and we ready our hearts to welcome anew, the Messiah, let us reflect on this little Jewish baby that grew into a Rabbi with a mission of love.  The religious leaders of his day asked him about the greatest commandment and his response was to love the Lord our God with all we have in us, and to love others as ourselves.

Let 2017 be a year of love and may our Messiah warm our hearts to demonstrate his love as he would.

Love for 2017!

Dormant, Not Dead

I went dormant several (ok, eight or nine) years ago.  I didn’t know I was dormant.  Once I was dormant though, I wandered through life questioning everything from my calling to my sanity.  What I have learned though is that I was dormant, not dead.

In preparing to write this blog, I asked myself, “What message do I want to share?”  Upfront I am going to give you my, a-ha moment.  While it is fine to question things, even your calling—when you, as an average person, get to the point that you are questioning your own self-worth and sanity, it isn’t you.  When you check with your support system and they have no concerns about your mental health—it isn’t you.

As someone who naturally questions self before others, I have discovered that a limit does exist regarding how deeply you can turn inward.

Almost 11 years ago I accepted a promising position.  Within a couple of years from beginning the position my confidence had already taken a beating and I was searching for strategies and new approaches for working with my new environment.  Unfortunately nothing was working.  Fast forward two demotions and being moved into a closet (yes, picture the movie Office Space) and my mind was whirling.  I’d tried every approach known and was still meeting with failure after failure.

Keep in mind that all the while, I am still trying.  I am still showing up with a positive attitude and trying to be a productive member of my work environment.  Yet, day after day time moved forward and then days turned to weeks, weeks to months and months to years.  I questioned myself.  Tried different approaches again and again.

Then, after 10.5 years, I got a new boss.  I began meeting regularly and planning new projects. Within my heart something was happening.  In as little as four months, this new boss had found an ember within this pile of ash and begun to stoke a flame.

What I have learned from this decade of wandering and questioning is this:  sustaining an environment which is not aligned with your strengths and giftedness leads to wrapping yourself in a cocoon or layers of protection.  The more I questioned myself and found my approach falling short for success, the more I would chastise myself and cut that option from the list of potential approaches.  Unfortunately, after such a sustained or prolonged exposure to extreme stress, you find yourself within a thick cocoon that you do not even realize is thee.  It has just become a part of you.

What should one do?  First, do not wait as long as I did!  The prolonged stress has cost me and caused damages I cannot repair.

Second, document everything.  You simply are better served in every way if you will document—simple journaling every minute detail.

Third, approach leadership to explain your unique strengths and giftedness and ask if you might have a project which will allow you to work in your strengths at least some of the time.

Fourth, outside of your work time, find ways to nurture your strengths.  Join a church/synagogue, a civic organization, or get involved in a not-for-project.  There tends to be great need for individuals to pour into such organizations.

Finally, realize that in some way, the misalignment is costing you (physical health, emotional/mental health) and there may come a time which requires you to make a tough decision.  One note I will point out is that you should consider if your misalignment is with the organization as a whole or with your particular leadership area or leader.  Does your analysis result in a need to leave your organization entirely or might a transfer within the organization provide the needed relief?

This process requires self-reflection, a neutral confidante, and the wise counsel of friends.

With these steps, it is possible to open the cocoon and emerge once again, strong with new energy and passion.  Ultimately, you were just dormant, not dead.

My Authenticity Efforts

Whenever I write a blog, I feel like I’m giving you some of myself yet when I think about it, I have given you more of a sterile business address.  I long to write like Tina Osterhouse or Emily P. Freeman but I’ve been hesitant. 

For those who know, the lyrics from the Dixie Chicks song, I'm Not Ready To Make Nice  have a special meaning to me.  I have a sharp wit and cutting humor in me and a number of years ago (2006) I wrote a blog revealing that wit and humor about stuff I shouldn’t have written about.  An individual took my blog and sent a copy to God and everyone at my workplace.  Thus, since that time I’ve held back, used a fine sieve to craft my entries.

I feel like I haven’t been as authentic as I have wanted to be and that has caused me to reconsider my writing efforts.  I’ve gone through multiple stages such as the, “but what do I have to say that anyone would find interesting” to the, “oh just forget it” but the ideas still push against me and demand to be addressed.

So, I’m going to strive to be more authentic, to use a sieve with larger pores.  I want to share my true insights, thoughts, and ideas so that others might identify and benefit from the path I’ve walked.

There is a quote that says “learn from the mistakes of others…you don’t have time to make them all yourself.”  I like that a great deal.  I try to be a reflective person and learning is a constant goal for me.  Yet, I go have to think about “what will this look like plastered across my boss’ computer screen” or Facebook, or CNN!  You never know, I could go national!

Thus will thoughtful, positive, hopeful caution, I move forward to a new level of blogging. I want to share my journey, my struggles, and my celebrations.

My blogging schedule is to blog once per week and I have made myself a tracker to keep me on target.  I found the tracker Here  and it has proven so very beneficial for over several months in 2016!

I have chosen my One Little Word for 2017 and it is:  Connect.

So my pledge to you is that in 2017 we shall connect on a higher level.  You will find a more open (My One Little Word for 2016), relational, and empathetic blogger in me. 

I am looking forward to our journey.

I recently read Lee Hull Moses’ book, More Than Enough.  You can find the book here:

Buy the book here

I enjoyed the book a great deal.  While the reading was easy, casual almost, the concepts and challenges were profound.

Ms. Moses tackles ideas about child rearing, spending, food sources, gratitude, poverty, calling, and more.  I found myself at the end of the book quickly and wanting to discuss the insights I’d drawn from the reading.

One quick thought though is this:  Jesus was an advocate for the poor.  We know this.  Jesus was a champion of the disenfranchised.  Certainly documented.  Jesus believed in people and gave them hope.  Certainly.

But what Jesus did not do is abolish poverty itself.  Jesus did not eliminate systemic disenfranchisement triggers.  Jesus worked for the poor and the disenfranchised within the system he had…or that we had…

So one thing that had never dawned on me was that God could, if he wanted, with him being Omni Powerful and all, could totally abolish, eliminate poverty.

But he has allowed it to continue……..since ancient times.  He urged us to care for the poor, to bring in the widows and the children.  To provide for them.

 

So I’m thinking.  A lot.  About this.  In a democratic but modified free-market society, what is my role as a tax payer, and as a Christian? 

Do I march and rally to provide more to the SNAP program?  Do I spend more time with the widows or the disenfranchised/marginalized?

I don’t know yet.  I just am asking at this point.  And what does all this mean in light of a new President heading into office in January?  How will our environment change?  What will the most immediate, the intermediate, and the long-term needs be? 

I wonder if God hasn’t basically challenged us, as intelligent life, to find a solution for these systemic problems?  Maybe God has said “the world is complex, let me have these beautiful, intelligent being that I’ve created, solve this problem?”

Am I working on the complex problems as God’s beautiful created being?  Am I doing my part?  Am I being my best self and working on ways to help others be their best selves?

I challenge myself these days on these areas…..

More is needed.  Whom shall I send said the Lord?  Whom shall I send?  Will it be me Lord?  

Living After, In and For

I tend not to be someone who wallows in misery much.  I actually just wrote a passage for another project where I noted that I like the song by Alyssa Bonagura entitled, I Make My Own Sunshine.  So, when people took to the streets or spent days crying over our recent Presidential election, I was baffled.  I’m not trying to be insensitive, but people, come on, staying home to cry?  

I mean I didn’t vote for the guy either but if I learned correctly, there are checks and balances in our government and last I checked, we had term limits.  Admittedly, I do not sink too deeply into politics but surely if those things had changed I’d have noticed.

I recently read a blog by Deidra Riggs which inspired me to think about the “living after, in, and for.”  Ms. Riggs wrote a beautiful blog which can be accessed here:  Deidra Riggs' Blog

Living After:  So, now that it is after the election………so?  The United States has a new Commander and Chief who will take office around January 20, 2017.  What does that mean for me?  I do not know yet.  I need to wait and see.  I am not going to run out into the street in lament because nothing is certain.  

I have been involved in plenty of crisis situations in 26 years of university life and I’ve found that when things are getting tense and unknown, the best thing is to no add to the tension and to seek information.

Running into the street in protest could get you plowed over so I’ll stay on solid ground.  I am not going to wail and lament because what good will that do?  

What positive contribution does that make?

To seek information will take time-probably a couple of years before we know for sure about certain things.  So why make my life and the lives of those around me tenser by adding to the negativity?

Another thing I’m going to do is rely on my faith.  I did see a little meme on social media that is quite profound despite its overuse:  Regardless of who is President, Jesus is still King.  I like that.  While I admit it was overused and is cliché’ it makes a solid point.  Remember who it is that you worship and why.

Living In:  In some ways I have already addressed this.  I’m going to be positive and I am going to contribute to the greater good, and I am going to withhold judgment.  I have worked pretty hard to be positive and objective throughout this election cycle.  Many of my friends had no idea which “team” I was even on.  Ironically two individuals both made an assumption that I agreed with them and would be voting accordingly.  Both were wrong! 

I’m going to continue going to church and do my best to be a good person and active, engaged citizen.  As I live in this time, I am going to pray for our nation and other nations as well.  Let’s be frank, we can all use Divine intervention in any way we can get it.  Shit is real out there in the real world and you just have to do the best you can.

Living For:  I have learned that it is during some of the hardest times that I really come to know my non-negotiable values.  I learn what I will and will not budge on and how true I’ll stay to my word when times are really tough.  So, what am I going to live for during these next four years?  I’m going to live for God, civility, and growth.

For me, God, the Divine, Spirit is my foundation.  I rely on my faith to get me through and to inspire me to new heights.  I’m going to continue seeking wisdom and enlightenment in all that I do.

I’m going seek civility.  Being civil costs me nothing and I will continue to spread kindness and love as best I can.

I’m going to seek growth.  I’m going to learn more about decision and how I might best serve others as I go into this new Presidency.  I’ll strive to not just ignore the happenings (as I have in the past) but work to learn bi-partisan concerns for major issues and educate others for the greater good.

Alyssa Bonagura – I Make My Own Sunshine Lyrics

Everything is wonderful
Everything is great
Free as a bird singing outside my window pane
Got a fresh new start
It's a brand new day
And I got lots of love to give away

It don't matter if it's raining
Nothing can phase me
I make my own sunshine
And if you think you can break me
Baby you're crazy
I make my own sunshine

Hey, let's make a rainbow
Look for the pot o' gold
I'll show you how to keep it nice and easy
Even if a cloud starts forming on my lovely day
There's nothing, no nothing, that could stand in my way

It don't matter if it's raining
Nothing can phase me
I make my own sunshine
And if you think you can break me
Baby you're crazy
I make my own sunshine

Life: Be

Chasing The Years of My Life

If you are a big Bruno Mars fan and want to hear lots of Bruno’s music, the secret is to make an Adele Station on Pandora.  You will not be bothered with Adele songs but instead will hear LOTS of Bruno Mars.  But, I digress.

Every so often the Non-Adele, Adele Station will play a song by Five for Fighting called 100 Years.  The song goes like this (thanks to Play.google.com)

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

I'm 22 for a moment
And she feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got a hundred years to live

I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a "they"
A kid on the way, babe.
A family on my mind

I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose yourself
Within a morning star

15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got a hundred years to live

Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...

I'm 99 for a moment
And dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day's a new day...

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got a hundred years to live

Each time I hear the song, the part that sticks with me to be mulled over and over is: 

I'm 45 for a moment

The sea is high

And I'm heading into a crisis

Chasing the years of my life

Oh how often I feel like I’m chasing the years of my life.  So often I feel like the years have actually gotten up and taken off without me.  While that’s a good thing in some ways, I perpetually feel like I’m a “late bloomer” regarding wisdom and maturity.

Chasing the years of my life.  I often feel like “how the heck does the birthday number say what it says?  I still feel 22!”  Yet, my body is definitely telling me the birthday number is accurate!

Chasing the years of my life.  I’m not where I thought I’d be at this age.  I’m learning to actually celebrate this!  I am exactly where I’m meant to be and I am thankful for this!

Chasing the years of my life.  Maybe I have a forever youthful outlook and I believe that has served me well.

Chasing the years of my life.  I believe this forever youthful outlook will serve me well until 100!

Patience vs. Endurance

                I journal pretty much every day.  One of the things I did recently was consider how the years at my current work had taught me different things. 

                I noted that I had developed patience.  Upon considering it longer, I’m not sure I actually learned patience as much as I endured the environment.

                I began to explore the difference between patience and endurance.  Here is what I’ve learned.  Patience (or longsuffering from the Bible) is more of a reaction.  The opposite of anger.  It is more of a short-term experience such as self-restraint.

                Endurance is more of a long-term response of not surrendering.  Endurance is associated with hope.  In reflection, I definitely believe I have endured more than developed patience.

                I still have the sense of urgency about me when a committee decision has been made but someone continues to belabor points.  I want to say “enough talk, let’s see some action!”

                I wanted to look more deeply into endurance versus patience but have not, thus far, found a great deal with the exception of looking at endurance athletes. 

                One article noted that three things helped endurance athletes:  consistency, progression, and you got it, patience!  Thus another confirmation that patience is a sub-component of endurance!

                So what does this mean for me?  It helps me recognize that over the last 10 years, I may not have lost my way as much as I have thought; rather I was in a survival mode due to having to endure the environment that was less than supportive of thriving and I do have contributions to still make from my giftedness.

                In my newest role, I am feeling the rekindling of excitement about my work.  I haven’t been excited about my work in probably 6 years.  Yes you read that right, 6 years.  For the past years I’ve been in survival mode.  I am learning that the mind, like the body, changes when subjected to long term stress.  The things I thought had changed in me (passion, calling and so forth) hadn’t changed, they just had to go dormant in order to endure.

                I’m cautiously optimistic for the future.  Let’s face it, I’m older and jaded now so thus the cautious part!

                I would love to hear some of your endurance versus patience thoughts!  Feel free to leave a comment below:

Losing Leadership

One of my biggest worries about moving from residence life/housing has been that I’ll “forget” how to lead.  I know it sounds silly but I was worried that I would forget how to have that “edge” or what it is like to think about leading over 100 people.

                Four years into my exile I realized something.  Maybe the whole point is that I forget.  Maybe I am supposed to forget and start anew.

                Could it be?  I mean I spent so much time watching my former boss (at Baylor) change the culture of a department, speak into people’s lives, and receive every benefit one could think of in the organization.  I considered that my role model.  I learned a great deal.

                So could it be that I was supposed to move away from that?  After I’d worked so hard at emulation!  So it was with a big sigh (was that relief?) that I decided to stop worrying about forgetting.  I decided that it was just fine to forget.  As a matter of fact I should forget!

                And start anew!  A different paradigm.  I admit that a lot has changed for me in the last four years.  I have spent three years now in a new church with a new pastor shaping my spirituality and values.  I have spent the last four years serving under four leaders who represent a vast spectrum of leadership abilities and styles.  And, I have spent a great deal of time learning about myself.

                I thought I knew myself well, but I had no idea!  So how will I be different in the future?  I am not sure.  I know that many years ago, I said that I wanted to serve as a Vice President so I could “help shape the plans and strategies for a division of student life.”

                I no longer desire to be a Vice President.  Too political.  However, in my new role back in the Division of Student Life, guess what I’m doing?  I am eagerly spending my time helping shape the plans and strategies of the departments within student life.  I am loving what I’m doing right now.  I am having fun and getting to live my values.

               

And it is good.  Was I a leader back then?  I suppose I was, but I do not think I was the best leader I could be.  Am I a leader now? I suppose I am, in a different way.  Fewer people, but more influence.

                I’m reading a book right now entitled, Essentialism, The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, by Greg McKeown.  The mantra for the book just happens to be “less, but better.”  Seems pretty timely to me!

                I am thankful for the last four years of “hard labor” because a new leadership within me has been formed.  I am enjoying myself each day and liking me is a major accomplishment.  For that, I am so thankful.  For what my former Baylor leader taught me, I am thankful and for what I am teaching myself I know, it will be priceless.  I will use this giftedness to its highest and best use!

A Life of Downward Mobility

2015 was a tough year for us.  Financially we struggled terribly.  While we are still putting our feet back under us, we are doing so in a new form—not simply reassembling what was already entrenched.

Going through a year as difficult as 2015 was, my husband and I had the opportunity to clarify our values.  When you lose so much, you then get to choose the place of value that entity held.  For example we let go of our XM Radio subscription.  Sure I have missed it at points but for someone who lives seven tenths of a mile from work, the commute is not impacted much!  Most days now I do not even have music on, I use that moment to pray or prepare myself for my day.

My husband and I also went without cable and internet for the year.  What we learned was that we were being negatively influenced by the evening drama shows known as news and we no longer valued the learning potential.  We modified our intake drastically and have learned to absorb with a stronger, value-laden filter.

For a little while I wondered “why” but fairly quickly I learned to appreciate the lessons God was teaching us.  I read a statement recently by Richard Rohr and he posed the question, “Surely God didn’t call only His Son to downward mobility?”

As we continue to walk out of the shadow of 2015, we do so with a perspective of downward mobility.  My husband and I will not re-subscribe to XM.  As a matter of fact we’re enjoying actual conversations with each other daily and on long trips.  We, I’m enjoying the conversations, and I think he endures them!

We are learning to truly, TRULY trust God for our daily bread and move in the direction of flexibility which will allow us to be more responsive to God’s will.

2015 was tough.  2016 has been better but we are clinging to the lessons we learned and believe we are doing the right thing to consider a life of downward mobility.

Pouring Into Your Giftedness

Yesterday I met with about 250 new first-year students and presented them with the Strengths Philosophy.  I told them that this coming year was going to challenge their fundamental assumptions and push them beyond what they could believe.

I also challenged the students to find something that makes their heart sing and get involved in it.  No matter what the club/sport/organization is, whether it be the Bass Fishing Club, a running group (what are these people thinking?), or a Greek organization.

I said that to be successful in college, they were going to have to pour everything they had into their academic work and so there needed to be one thing in their life that poured back into them.

I think about what work has drained me over the years and what work has energized me.  As you might expect, when I am working in an area of strength, I feel energized.  Time flies and before you know it, the task is achieved.  When I’m working outside my strengths, it is a drudgery.  Time creeps and it feels like there will never be progress made.

It struck me that when Jesus was talking to the woman at the well in John 4:34, Jesus said that his nourishment comes from doing the will of God.  Thus, Jesus is filled by doing what he is called to do and what he is gifted to do.

I believe pouring into our strengths that have been given by God nourishes us.  Here Jesus makes it clear, provides the example.  When we are in the will of God, our soul is nourished.  We are filled.  We are not lacking.

How do we pour into our unique gifts?

1.       Prayer-we must seek a relationship with the real and living God.  Forget about the “thou” and “shalt” vocabulary.  Get real and tell God your heart.  Then rest and listen.  There are two sides to this coin, the talking towards/at God and the talk coming from God to us.  In order to “hear” or rather discern God’s “talk,” we must be still, stop our distractions, and sit with our soul.

2.       Connect-I have found growth in my community of believers.  I resisted being a part of a church for a long time.  I knew the reputation the church has and I simply wasn’t interested in being a part of the politics, the gossip, the judgment.  But what I found was a completely different group!  I plugged in and began to find relationships and fellowship.  I have been able to stretch my wings and begin to use my gifts in fresh, new ways.

3.       Develop yourself- I grow through the written word..whether it is the Bible or a book on spiritual development.  Others may listen to podcasts or sermons, or and audio book.  Still others may attend an online workshop or a seminar in person.  Whatever your preference, open yourself to development.

4.       Output-you need to exercise your strengths in service to others.  I don’t care how you do it, but talk to your faith-group leadership about ways to plug in and exercise who you were created to be.

These four steps will help you grow and expand your gifts, your strengths.  You will find blessings beyond what you can imagine.  I believe in the power of the strengths you have been gifted with.  I believe in the power of God.  With those two things, how can you do anything wrong!

Showing Up to Creativity

It’s ironic to me that I have read Julia Cameron’s The Artist Way, do my Morning Pages faithfully and even bought additional Cameron books on writing yet I still believed I could muscle my way through without adhering to a regular practice of just showing up regularly to write.

Of course, in my all or nothing mind, I thought it necessary to write daily.  When I couldn’t get to writing daily, I found that weeks would slip by and I had written nothing except my daily journal pages.  So, instead of doing the same thing but expecting different results, I am making a change in my world.

I will now expect myself to write on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.  I will focus on a paragraph for the blog each appointment and then work on a larger-scaled project.  Hopefully this will allow me to show up for creativity, forming a routine writing practice, but not fall prey to the all or nothing mentality.

So far, here are the things I’m learning about myself and writing:

1.       Once I force myself to put ink to paper (yes, that’s correct, I still hand

write everything) the words flow more easily and even when I do struggle, at least I’ve got a draft on the page and everyone knows it is easier to edit than go from a blank space.

2.       Stop doing the same things but expecting different results.  Thank you Dr. Albert Einstein for defining insanity for us!  For too long now I have continued to behave in the exact same way but expected different results.  So, I guess I thought that not spending time writing would somehow result in written material.  Go figure.  I’m a little slow on the uptake.

3.       Do not fall prey to all or nothing thinking.  Something is better than nothing. I am trying to transfer this thinking to other areas of my life also such as diet/exercise/health! 

Driving on Purpose

Back on Thursday, May 5, 2016, I wrote a blog about my One Little Word® “open.”  

You can read that blog here: About Open

Today I want to ruminate on the intersection of calling (or your purpose) and open.  I have always thought that one’s purpose or calling was a fixed “thing” that was hidden and had to be “found.”

Maybe I am altering my view because of my own life’s journey but maybe referring to calling as something to be “found” or impressing upon young people that their purpose is “out there” is simply an incorrect concept.

What if purpose or calling is actually more like the road we are traveling than a fixed entity along the road?  

What if we do not stop at a structure and announce we have “found” our calling but rather we embrace calling as the drive itself?  

What if calling is the winding, uphill, downhill, road where sometimes we are caught in bumper-to-bumper traffic and sometimes we are out for a backroads drive on an old country lane?

What if we came to embrace the drive as our purpose and did not get too concerned when we are in bumper-to-bumper traffic because we know that sometime in the future we will have an opportunity to meander along the lane in no rush?

What if our purpose if simply different at different points in our life but we know that what is right is right now?

And if we could just relax a bit and roll down the windows of life and let the cool breeze drift through the car as we wave to our neighbors along the road?

Wouldn’t that be so much more wonderful?  I know I would have been so much more relaxed if someone had told me to not worry about the “structure” and just embrace the ride.

Of course we each have unique giftedness and I believe are called to strive for achieving our best but what if we all just agreed to do our best and enjoy the ride?  

No need to worry about the passengers in the other cars or that one car just sped by, the probably had a need that was pressing and hadn’t figured out yet to enjoy the drive.

I think I will make a much better driver thinking along these lines and not being too bunched up about arriving somewhere.  I hope you will too.

Summer 2016

Each June brings me an interesting change of pace.  Working in higher education means that so many people assume I get summers off. 

Since beginning college, I have not gotten summers off!  Actually my last summer off was Summer of 1983.  That was the summer before my Senior year of high school.

These days, as have been the case for a number of years, I have a dual role for summer days.  The first role is to wind down the previous academic year.  The second role, but not secondary, is to prepare for the upcoming academic year.

The winding down role consist of helping individuals reflect on their own academic years and collect Annual Reports.

The gearing up role consist of getting calendars together, preparing for planning, meetings, and scheduling the new year while we prepare a new group of incoming students to charge forth and take their place on the American landscape.

In years past, I have not given a great deal of thought to the summer months as I have been too busy to notice the months’ swift passing.  This year I have noticed with a unique perspective that summer blazed upon us (literally and figuratively) within what seems like moments we went from a moderate temperature to almost 100 degrees. 

It is going to be a long, very hot summer.  So I want to consider what I am inviting into my life this June.  I recently watched Jon Acuff (http://acuff.me/) on a little free webinar and was quite impressed with his vision and insights.

I subscribed to Acuff’s blog and this summer he has issued a “1500 Minute Challenge” where each day for 15 minutes you work on a specific skill.  This selected skill is one you wish to improve upon and Acuff notes that it holds reasonably likely that after practicing this skill for 1500 minutes, you will have improved.

Then I read Emily P. Freeman’s blog (http://emilypfreeman.com/blog/) about June and loved her quote, “We’ll see how this June wants to play.”

I love the picture this gives me of June being separate from me, just something to be experienced but not kept.

Ali Edwards (http://aliedwards.com/blog) often writes about what you invite into your life.  Thus I wanted to think about what I’m inviting into my life this summer. 

So far this year I have been working on openness and I will continue to cultivate that.  But I want to spend this summer at a little slower pace than I have experienced previous summers.

I want to spend slower evenings and lingering weekends.  I want to saturate myself in love and laughter and let Summer 2016 lazily stroll through like a parade instead of a turbo rocket.

Here’s to you Summer ’16, may you be sweet.