Angry God

In my last entry, I noted that I’ve learned that I must be sensitive to potentially discounting (or mistrusting) male leadership thanks to my primary male role model I had growing up. So, imagine my faith journey struggle with the male-dominated image of God which comes from Christianity.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized the issue this struggle with male leadership presented for me.  Historically, I was exposed to deep East Texan Southern Baptist theology.  This is the “hell, fire, and brimstone” approach with its threats of hell, yelling, angry God, religion.  When I was about ten years old and got “saved,” I was more motivated to avoid eternal damnation and to try to appease this pissed off deity, than I was seeking a real and active relationship with a gracious and loving Father.  Heck, I wasn’t even sure I knew what a gracious and loving Father was!

To begin, my father figure model was one which was angry, volatile, and mean.  The anger would often result in outburst of fury, frustration, or simply being annoyed with everyday challenges.  Having a volatile individual is challenging for others because behaviors or responses/choices are inconsistent.  Agreed upon behaviors may occur one day but change the next.  Finally, the father figure model I was familiar with would be mean to others with no justification.  Judgment of others also occurred with no basis for the decisions.

My original model of God was similar to my father figure model.  God, I deducted, was one pissed off dude.  God destroyed a lot of stuff (people, cities, animals, and belongings).  A lot of the Bible taught “fear” of God.  Besides, if you are ten years old and are taught about a lot of “burning in Hell,” fire, and learn about it all through a lot of yelling, you truly do fear God. (note:  for most purposes, the Bible’s interpretation of fear is more aligned with the word respect)

The model I understood also taught me about how God punished random people by giving them disease, dire circumstances, and heartbreak.  It was hard to really like God.  Rather than developing a spiritual maturity, I viewed God as one would view a junkyard dog.  I could understand the purpose, but as I passed by, I was certainly hoping not to draw attention to myself!

After being exposed to a new model, in many ways, introduced through the reading of the book Disappointment with God (Yancy, 1997), I learned about God as a gentle friend who, it turns out, isn’t always pissed off.  Rather, God based everything on love and promoted love and justice in every way.  I changed my view to see that God wasn’t angry with me.  God could certainly be disappointed in me and, at times, may provide discipline or correction, but rather than a wrathful, mean deity from a distance, my newly found, kind Spirit helped me learn, gro2wn, and move more closely aligned with the mission of Christ to love others like I’m being loved.

Additionally, I realized that actually God is consistent and I could count on him.  God has demonstrated for me over and over that he has got my back.  As I began to think about this, I recognized that God may not really “fit” in the model I’d expected of him.  If God could contrast this key aspect of the model, might I have had the wrong impression of him all along?  Might there be other aspects of God I had wrong?

So, I began to relax.  I began to read about relationship.  I learned there were “out of the box” ideas like having a conversation with God, God patiently and lovingly waiting for me.  I am happy to report today that I have moved away from the old model of anger and punishment while moving closer to the true relationship with a real and loving God.

I now spend time investing in our relationship instead of running scared.  I prefer my loving God greatly over my angry God.  He’s a keeper!