Passion, Energy, and Ideas.....Do Strengths Die?

           

            I think back about my unmedicated “Activator” strength as thought I am thinking back over my “glory” days.

            Before Tarleton, the strengths were more pure, more raw, and definitely more lived-out with others.

            I think back now with the fondness of being in an environment that wanted ideas from everyone-not just a chosen few.  I think about how things were set up for individuals to succeed—literally success was a hallmark for individuals in their jobs and they were celebrated.

            I was celebrated.

            Then it all changed.  A new work environment and my ideas, energy, and planning is not wanted.

            Of course I’m not bright enough to figure that out, so I continued being me!

            Then the messages to change are communicated:

·      You don’t fit in here

·      You are not one of us

·      We like it the way it is—stop trying to make it that other place

So where do passion, ideas, and planning go to die?  How do you stop being who you are?

You medicate it.  With enough numbing, you can become someone you once knew….a long time ago.

Those things that brought you praise and affirmations at one time are now just memories of days long gone.

To cope, I changed.  And they say you can never step in the same river twice.  Those things which are “in the hay day” made me known for passion, ideas, energy, presentation…are they gone forever?

Now I’m known for being “nice” and “kind” and “quiet.”  Who is this person I’ve become…..or maybe I didn’t know who I was before?  How do I reconcile these two very (VERY) different experiences?

Is one experience “better” so I should attempt to affirm it?  Or should I take the best from each—as opposite as they may be—and develop a  new experience?

Even if I choose to develop a  new experience, I’m left with questions:

·      Why didn’t the strengths work as well in the new environment?

·      Did I just get older or did I get any better?

·      How do I not repeat this “mistake” again, in a new environment? (that’s a blog entry for another day on “fit!”)

·      Was it me?  Was it them?

Looking back now—has it been worth it?

Jesus said in James 2:5 that God has chosen “those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith.”  The growth in my faith over this last decade is undeniable.

I have been cut to my knees in every way and because of this “poor” status, I have relied on God.  Sometimes I have had to simply grope for Jesus and ride it out but the lesson is, I’ve learned where the Lord fits in my life!

He is the core and the cornerstone.  As I seemingly emerge from whatever mystical fog, I know this for sure:

·               I am in a relationship with a real and living Being who Loves me, knows my heart & soul better than I do, and walks hand-in-hand with me everyday.

·               I know I am loved, cherished, and called.

·               I know that as I wander around this human experience, I have a Savior with me.  I am never alone.

·               I know this journey is about learning to love:

o   Love God

o   Love Others

o   Love Myself

And ultimately it is a dynamic journey.  Never static—always moving, changing, and evolving.

The constant?  God’s love and presence for me.

So I continue onward.

January in the Rearview Mirror

January is already over!  The new of 2015 has worn off and we are into regular wear and tear!

January was hectic and I’m looking forward to February.

Related to our words:  rejuvenate and harmony

I feel like we did well with harmony.

I, personally, did not do well with my invitation of bringing more into my life with rejuvenation.  I need to work on this.

Related to my health:  I feel like I’m pulling into the passing lane!  I’m getting more control of my blood sugar as of the 27^th of the month.  While readings had been running 250-450, I am now back around 150.  I should feel better quickly.

During the month, Dr. Fung, helped me understand a little more about lupus.  Fortunately I am not in an active flare right now.  Although we ALL want to figure out the anemia.

My need for February is to invite myself to exercise more and experiment with a new flood plan, which involves more carbohydrates and vegetables.

My high point this month was flying to Los Angeles and presenting my dissertation findings then being Hooded.

February’s focus is going to be REJUVENATION & HARMONY THROUGH INTENTIONALITY.

Turning Over Rocks

Ray says I can’t write about reality.

He is right though, it always gets me into trouble.

So I’ll change things and use metaphor or disguise to protect myself.

Or maybe I’m protecting the innocent like that quote, the names have been changed to protect the innocent

I was wrestling with text.  The kind of text that makes you turn it around like a rock you just picked up and you want to see what is on the underside.

But the underside is that part of your brain, your emotions, where you know you shouldn’t go

It’s not safe there

Woundings happen, blood gets spilt, and tears flow

But really not by some thug, you do it to yourself.

Over and over you turn the rock and sure enough, there is that stinging worm,

But you cannot help youself,

You have to poke it.

And what happens when the worm responds?

I recoil.  Gasp! Why me?  Why did the response come my way? I whimper.

I feel targeted and alone.   I want to throw the rock.

And a tantrum.

But I steadymyself.

Is the worm’s response inordinate?

I mean, I did pick the rock up.  I did poke around.

I disturbed the natural environment.

What is my best approach?

Continue with the desired tantrum?

Or return the rock and restore balance, demonstrating my

Value for the worm’s order?

I choose to yield to the worm, the rock, and to a greater good.

It really is better to stay out of the underside too much or for too long.  Maintain a healthy respect for it and its order but don’t disrupt and don’t try to overly your order atop.

A force bigger than you and me is in control.

For The Weekend

Currently I am mesmerized by Sarah Kay!  I am reading her latest work No Matter The Wreckage.  LOVE IT!  LOVE HER!

Rejuvenation & Harmony

Welcoming Harmony & Rejuvenation

Sometimes things are so obvious you just miss them—like the forest and the trees.  Over the break I had one of those moments.  Ray and I have had a heightened awareness of what we are inviting and allowing into our lives for about the last month.

We have limited our exposure to the daily news and tried to frame our discussions in a way, which reinforced positive energy.  This has been a tremendously positive initiative for me!  It has impacted my energy level and my overall perspective.

I would venture to say I have even had a change in fundamental philosophy from a pathological basis to a positive psychological basis.

So, for 2015, Ray and I are committing to nurturing and inviting rejuvenation and harmony into our world.  This is going to push us out of our comfort zones because we tend to minimize self at the priority of other.  So to nurture self and commit to renewal and replenishing at least once per month will be both awesome and a bit uncomfortable!

To be fair, there is a flip side to the invitation of rejuvenation and harmony.  I am minimizing fear and anxiety this year.  For too long these emotions have been a part of my daily life and I am working this year to dig up the roots of these issues and chop them off at the source.

Ray and I are excited for our commitments to wellbeing, spiritual growth, and all the new year has to bring!  We are blessed for al the friends and family who will journey with us this year!

It is time to dust off the blog!

I wrote this in late 2013 and lately I have been feeling a significant pull to write.

I am called to be a writer

I am called to communicate in a way in which helps others connects with the struggle to matter and to usher those feelings forward in a manageable cadence.

I am called to help others anchor the unknown to the known of self and God.

So get ready world, it's time to dust off the blog and crank things up for 2015!

Standing in the Same Place But Different!

The inside of the Starbucks had changed so much! I hardly recognized the set up! The chairs--the soft, squishy--chairs I used just, two years ago were gone.  I suppose students needed more room for meetings and desktop space.  I was glad to see the responsiveness of Starbucks and the iterative nature of being attuned to one’s environment.

            Similar to Starbucks, I too had changed.   Where once there stood a scared, timid woman doubting herself, on Monday, September 8, 2014 a strong, confident woman walked onto the Azusa campus and defended, with distinction, dissertation.  

After we got everything set up, all there was to do was wait until time for the defense.  My husband, poor thing, was a wreck.  His palms were sweating, his hands were shaking, and he was so anxious.

I took his hands in mine and I said “babe, I got this.  Don’t worry, I am going to knock this outta here!  I promise you, I got this!”

I now celebrate my accomplishment, I recognize that I meandered through a process and as the end of this road, not everyone is happy I’m done.

            I returned to work on Wednesday, September 10 and learned my peers were throwing a party for me on Thursday, September 11.  What an amazing event that party was!  Oh my glory!  I had a ball!  I went from person to person loving everyone and just relishing the moments.  I had so much fun!  Celebrating is the way to go!  Wow!

            I have peers who zoomed through the dissertation in lightning speed and I applaud them!  I must had to do it in my own way though which is a little more slow and steady, more intentional.  Like the song says—I did it my way.   I had a great deal of fun though as I went along the way; I stopped and smelled the flowers, looked at puffy clouds, and made sure I saw important things.  I feel like I lived life without sacrificing it too much.  I found balance and again—I did it my way.

            As I pulled into the station of celebration, I learned that not everyone is happy I have a doctorate.  Quite frankly it threatens some people who are insecure and fake.  But in the end….you know what?   Regardless of how he feels, he still has to call me Dr. Wallace!  And you know what else? I did it MY WAY!