I
think back about my unmedicated “Activator” strength as thought I am thinking
back over my “glory” days.
Before
Tarleton, the strengths were more pure, more raw, and definitely more lived-out
with others.
I
think back now with the fondness of being in an environment that wanted ideas
from everyone-not just a chosen few.
I think about how things were set up for individuals to
succeed—literally success was a hallmark for individuals in their jobs and they
were celebrated.
I
was celebrated.
Then
it all changed. A new work
environment and my ideas, energy, and planning is not wanted.
Of
course I’m not bright enough to figure that out, so I continued being me!
Then
the messages to change are communicated:
·
You don’t fit in here
·
You are not one of us
·
We like it the way it is—stop trying to make it
that other place
So where do passion, ideas, and planning go
to die? How do you stop being who
you are?
You medicate it. With enough numbing, you can become someone you once knew….a
long time ago.
Those things that brought you praise and
affirmations at one time are now just memories of days long gone.
To cope, I changed. And they say you can never step in the
same river twice. Those things
which are “in the hay day” made me known for passion, ideas, energy,
presentation…are they gone forever?
Now I’m known for being “nice” and “kind”
and “quiet.” Who is this person
I’ve become…..or maybe I didn’t know who I was before? How do I reconcile these two very (VERY)
different experiences?
Is one experience “better” so I should
attempt to affirm it? Or should I
take the best from each—as opposite as they may be—and develop a new experience?
Even if I choose to develop a new experience, I’m left with
questions:
·
Why didn’t the strengths work as well in the new
environment?
·
Did I just get older or did I get any better?
·
How do I not repeat this “mistake” again, in a
new environment? (that’s a blog entry for another day on “fit!”)
·
Was it me?
Was it them?
Looking back now—has it been worth
it?
Jesus said in James 2:5 that God
has chosen “those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in
faith.” The growth in my faith
over this last decade is undeniable.
I have been cut to my knees in
every way and because of this “poor” status, I have relied on God. Sometimes I have had to simply grope
for Jesus and ride it out but the lesson is, I’ve learned where the Lord fits
in my life!
He is the core and the
cornerstone. As I seemingly emerge
from whatever mystical fog, I know this for sure:
·
I am in a relationship with a real and living
Being who Loves me, knows my heart & soul better than I do, and walks
hand-in-hand with me everyday.
·
I know I am loved, cherished, and called.
·
I know that as I wander around this human
experience, I have a Savior with me.
I am never alone.
·
I know this journey is about learning to love:
o Love
God
o Love
Others
o Love
Myself
And ultimately it is a dynamic
journey. Never static—always
moving, changing, and evolving.
The constant? God’s love and presence for me.
So I continue onward.
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