Driving on Purpose

Back on Thursday, May 5, 2016, I wrote a blog about my One Little Word® “open.”  

You can read that blog here: About Open

Today I want to ruminate on the intersection of calling (or your purpose) and open.  I have always thought that one’s purpose or calling was a fixed “thing” that was hidden and had to be “found.”

Maybe I am altering my view because of my own life’s journey but maybe referring to calling as something to be “found” or impressing upon young people that their purpose is “out there” is simply an incorrect concept.

What if purpose or calling is actually more like the road we are traveling than a fixed entity along the road?  

What if we do not stop at a structure and announce we have “found” our calling but rather we embrace calling as the drive itself?  

What if calling is the winding, uphill, downhill, road where sometimes we are caught in bumper-to-bumper traffic and sometimes we are out for a backroads drive on an old country lane?

What if we came to embrace the drive as our purpose and did not get too concerned when we are in bumper-to-bumper traffic because we know that sometime in the future we will have an opportunity to meander along the lane in no rush?

What if our purpose if simply different at different points in our life but we know that what is right is right now?

And if we could just relax a bit and roll down the windows of life and let the cool breeze drift through the car as we wave to our neighbors along the road?

Wouldn’t that be so much more wonderful?  I know I would have been so much more relaxed if someone had told me to not worry about the “structure” and just embrace the ride.

Of course we each have unique giftedness and I believe are called to strive for achieving our best but what if we all just agreed to do our best and enjoy the ride?  

No need to worry about the passengers in the other cars or that one car just sped by, the probably had a need that was pressing and hadn’t figured out yet to enjoy the drive.

I think I will make a much better driver thinking along these lines and not being too bunched up about arriving somewhere.  I hope you will too.

Summer 2016

Each June brings me an interesting change of pace.  Working in higher education means that so many people assume I get summers off. 

Since beginning college, I have not gotten summers off!  Actually my last summer off was Summer of 1983.  That was the summer before my Senior year of high school.

These days, as have been the case for a number of years, I have a dual role for summer days.  The first role is to wind down the previous academic year.  The second role, but not secondary, is to prepare for the upcoming academic year.

The winding down role consist of helping individuals reflect on their own academic years and collect Annual Reports.

The gearing up role consist of getting calendars together, preparing for planning, meetings, and scheduling the new year while we prepare a new group of incoming students to charge forth and take their place on the American landscape.

In years past, I have not given a great deal of thought to the summer months as I have been too busy to notice the months’ swift passing.  This year I have noticed with a unique perspective that summer blazed upon us (literally and figuratively) within what seems like moments we went from a moderate temperature to almost 100 degrees. 

It is going to be a long, very hot summer.  So I want to consider what I am inviting into my life this June.  I recently watched Jon Acuff (http://acuff.me/) on a little free webinar and was quite impressed with his vision and insights.

I subscribed to Acuff’s blog and this summer he has issued a “1500 Minute Challenge” where each day for 15 minutes you work on a specific skill.  This selected skill is one you wish to improve upon and Acuff notes that it holds reasonably likely that after practicing this skill for 1500 minutes, you will have improved.

Then I read Emily P. Freeman’s blog (http://emilypfreeman.com/blog/) about June and loved her quote, “We’ll see how this June wants to play.”

I love the picture this gives me of June being separate from me, just something to be experienced but not kept.

Ali Edwards (http://aliedwards.com/blog) often writes about what you invite into your life.  Thus I wanted to think about what I’m inviting into my life this summer. 

So far this year I have been working on openness and I will continue to cultivate that.  But I want to spend this summer at a little slower pace than I have experienced previous summers.

I want to spend slower evenings and lingering weekends.  I want to saturate myself in love and laughter and let Summer 2016 lazily stroll through like a parade instead of a turbo rocket.

Here’s to you Summer ’16, may you be sweet.

Being a Strong Woman

A friend recently began dating an individual I would describe as a strong woman.  That description has also been used to describe me as well so it made me think about strong women. 

For a very long time, women who have particular giftedness such as leadership have had to play down their gifts because being strong created the “aggressive” label (or worse).

I did the same thing.  I have tried to downplay my natural inclinations my whole life.  I have bitten my tongue, failed to offer opinions, and simply sat still while action was called for……yet there have also been times when I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, couldn’t help myself from speaking, and someone had to get started so why not me.

I have often heard things like “intimidating.”  What?  I’m the biggest marshmallow!  How can someone think I’m intimidating.

I guess my natural inclinations have likely spilled out more than my reservations.  Thus the strong woman reference.

Recently I was giving thought to strong women such as Trudie Styler (actress and director and wife of Sting) and Ali Hewson (activist and wife of Bono).  These women have made an impact on this world, have used their giftedness for a greater good, and have developed and maintained their own identity all the while having a strong man as a partner.

My husband has always said that it takes a very secure and strong man to handle a strong woman.  I affirm that 100%

I have been thinking about what being a strong woman is and what it takes to be in relationship with one.

First, I recently listened to John Ortberg discuss giftedness and he affirmed a perspective that if a woman is called to lead, then LEAD.  Don’t downplay your gift.  You can see his amazing 19 minute message here: Ortber on Leadership

Identity Development

I believe that strong women have to go through major identity development.  Having grown up in the Bible Belt where there is a church on every corner, I was brought up to believe the man should lead and the woman should be subservient. I was taught that a “good” woman yields to men, is supportive instead of a leader, and needs affirmation from others to be the best she can be.

That just never sat well with me.  It actually makes me bristle.

As I have grown into a comfort within my own skin, I have come to accept, even welcome, my strong edge.  I’m getting too old to downplay my ideas and abilities.  But this perspective has come at a high price.  I have plenty of scars to tell the war stories of how I spent time crying over being who I am and wishing I’d been created differently. 

·         Why oh why couldn’t I have kept my mouth shut?

·         Why couldn’t I have just not taken that initiative?

·         Why couldn’t I have not shared those ideas which threatened my male leadership?

Yep, been there, done that, gone lots of tshirts!  Oh so many tshirts.

It is only through my amazing relationship with my STRONG husband, watching my mentors, and lots of prayer that I am where I am with myself today.

Today I can more easily walk away from someone who might not be comfortable with my style as opposed to staying around and trying to change myself.

Today I will more than likely offer my thoughts and folks can take them or leave them.  It does not impact my self-esteem to have external affirmations like it once did.  Once it was essential.  Today it is always nice to be complimented but it no longer shapes my identity.

On Being Companion to a Strong Woman:

Being Secure with Yourself

To be with a strong woman, a partner has to be secure with their own leadership and their own identity. 

There comes a point in every person’s identity and leadership development when he or she has to decide whether or not someone is a threat or an asset. 

If an individual gets “stuck” in feeling like others are threats, it can lead to a miserable existence.

It is much more enjoyable in life to value other people and see their gifts as a resource and asset.  Let’s make great things together!

When in a relationship with a strong woman, it is absolutely essential to be secure enough in self and leadership that the strong woman’s initiatives, ideas, and ruminations are not threatening to the partner.

Allowing Her Freedom

It is essential in a relationship with a strong woman that her partner allow opportunity for her to utilize her strengths and giftedness but to also be vulnerable. 

There are times when the strong woman needs to fall apart.  She’ll put herself back together but she needs space and understanding to wallow for a while in her issue without judgment and without constraints.

A strong partner knows how to provide that unique challenge and support environment where the strong woman is allowed to wallow, to ruminate, to marinate even…..because eventually she will pull herself together and emerge stronger than ever.

Partners must allow the flow back and forth between strength and vulnerability.  That flow provides the security a strong woman needs in relationship in order to develop her best identity, grow her gifts, and be the best she can be.

Defining Resilience

Likely you have heard the phrase, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  This statement was the beginning of a paper I wrote during my doctoral work.  The professor noted that typically she did not approve of using a colloquialism in formal writing but in this case, it worked because I went on to write that this informal phrase was a way to express the definition of resilience.  Formally, resilience is,

A dynamic process encompassing positive adaptation within the context of significant adversity.   Implicit within this notion are two critical conditions:  1) Exposure to significant threat or severe adversity; and 2) The achievement of positive adaptation despite major assaults on the developmental process (Luthar, 2000).

Masten (2001), defined resilience as referring to “a class of phenomena characterized by good outcomes in spite of serious threats to adaptation or development.” 

Reivich (2002) proposed resilience as “the basic strength, underpinning all the positive characteristics in a person’s emotional psychological makeup.  It is the bedrock on which all else is built.”

I have come to realize that I am a very resilient individual.  While I have had multiple setbacks and challenges in my life, I put my energies into my education and my faith.  My education has only taken me so far, but my faith has undergirded everything, even my resilience by giving me hope for a future. 

The definitions above strips resilience down to the good and the bad.  The bad comes with exposure to negatives such as abuse, neglect, or trauma.  But the resilient individual continues progressing in spite of these negatives.

During my own life, I faced multiple setback and negatives.  Yet, I put my energies into paths or avenues which allowed me to continue to feel positive and move forward. Early on I realized that I was a stand-out in the classroom.  I remember now that during my doctoral ceremony the Provost said that less than 2% of individuals in the world obtained their doctoral degree.  I remembered that because it made me feel like I have accomplished something really unique.

While my education has taken me a long, long way and provided me with so many blessings, nothing can compare to the foundation upon which everything is built, my faith.  Faith provides the hope for everything:  for a better tomorrow or a better next year, or even just a stability for the moment.  While I did not grow up in a religious environment by any means, I did have snippets of exposure which allowed me to explore something bigger than myself.  To have a hinting that the world consisted of more than just the tangible here and now made a huge difference in my environment.  It gave me hope of a better future.

So resilience is defined as overcoming the negatives with good.  We see resilient individuals all the time and we see individuals who are not so resilient.  The funny thing is, I do not recall anyone teaching me resilience.  It seems to be something within me that might just be lined to my tenacity (translated:  stubbornness).

The benefits of resilience are a forward progression.  My daughter shared a story with me yesterday about a gentlemen who has designed some make-up.  He tells of how he was homeless and working in a retail store when he believed in his dreams of developing a line of makeup.  Now the brand is taking off and he has a beautiful home as well as luxuries many dream about.  His advice was to continue to believe in your dreams even through the hard times because dreams do come true.

Resilience has a purpose, it inspires home when struggles reign. Resilience provides a belief that something better and something greater is obtainable and within reach.  Resilience provides our future.

What makes a resilient person?  What chips away at natural resilience?

Writing Prompt:  Is there a time you can think of which was especially difficult for you but on the other side of the situation you can note positive outcomes?