What Am I Here For?

I've been wrestling with purpose for awhile now and by awhile I mean a number of years.  I've gotten to the point where I'm getting out of my head and on paper.

Let me be CLEAR.  This in NO WAY requires a job change.  If you wonder about that, read Allison Vesterfelt's e-book called "The Chase."  Some GREAT work there.  What Allison helped me realize is that it is totally fine to LOVE my work and to use my work to stimulate my writing!  *whew*  

Now that we have that out of the way-I'm not quitting my job.  Here we go:

I am called to be a writer

I am called to communicate in a way in which helps others connects with the struggle to matter and to usher those feelings forward in a manageable cadence.

I am called to help others anchor the unknown to the known of self and God.

The Church Journey-For Now

Going to Church:  I Should Versus I Desire

Three friends from college maintained a solid relationship through the twenty some-odd years since college—ushering us into 2013.  The three friends are all upper middle-class working folks who seem to be checking off the right boxes for the American dream: 

ü  married,

ü  children,

ü  civically engaged,

ü  active church members,

ü  active in their children’s lives

Switching gears for a moment:

I have been thinking about attending church for  years.  I mean YEARS—really since I was at Baylor (1997).  There was a time when someone at Baylor said “you need to get your name on a Baptist church roster.” So I did.  And I went to church for a good while.  It was ok. 

But what I really enjoyed was a small group (about 6 of us) we had at a friend’s house where we read the book Blue Like Jazz together. Now that kept me engaged—it was fun, it was stimulating, it was meaningful, it was authentic, it was a blessing, and it made me closer to Christ.

Anyway, for probably about 20 years now someone in my life has been saying “go to church.” But not much within has urged me to make it a regular practice. In the past year though, I have really questioned myself about whether or not I needed to attend church.  I mean honestly here is my argument:

·         I have experienced substantial spiritual growth over the past two years (more growth than in the last 10 years combined) on my own (well, in conversation/relationship with Ray) through reading the Bible, study of spiritual growth-oriented text, writing, inquiry, and in conversation with my friends, coworkers

·         I keep a daily time where I read the Bible, read a supplemental text, journal, reflect, and pray

·         I talk to friends, family, and others about my spiritual journey

·         I work daily to live a life of love to reflect Jesus in everything I do

I recently listened to the Purpose Drive Life by Rick Warren.  Mr. Warren said I need to be in church.  He said I need to be in church because:

·         That’s where I get spiritually fed

·         That’s where I encounter people who are imperfect and need me to demonstrate that I can love them

To me Mr. Warren’s argument isn’t strong enough to get me to commit to attend a church. 

Now-back to where we began—these three friends were all active in their churches for the 20 years since college.  Let’s call the friends Tammy, Sammy, and Cammy.  Tammy and Sammy were literally bestest, bestest friends.  But through the years they were still close friends with Cammy too.  One day though Cammy was helping Sammy get some work done for Tammy and Sammy noted some confusion.  Cammy explained to Sammy that at times Tammy’s leadership style would change and you simply had to adjust to it and move on.

Sammy though made that next move where we have a choice of whether or not to move…..Sammy told Tammy what Cammy said.  Now Tammy was mad at Cammy.  Tammy blew up and told Sammy never to interact with Cammy again, never to rely on Cammy as a resource again and to distance herself from Cammy.

So Sammy has.  The only problem is that Sammy needs Cammy.  Cammy has incredible resources that Sammy could use to be successful.  But now Cammy has taken her cue and said no ma’am, I’m out of this.

Now-Tammy and Sammy are big leaders in the church. They lead the Ladies Group for the entire church and are known as pillars for the entire church which is a leader in the town.

So Mr. Warren is right in the aspect that at the church I would certainly encounter others who are imperfect and need to have the love of Christ demonstrated towards them. 

But then again, these are individuals who are “noble” LEADERS in both their jobs, their towns, and their church.  They have an air of righteousness and are not open to have others speak the truth in love to them.

So-what happens to Mr. Warren’s argument though if I work with Tammy, Sammy, and Cammy?  Don’t I still have the same opportunity to love the imperfect persons?  Might I have an opening to speak the truth in love by asking about modeling Jesus’ love if I have the opportunity related to their strained relationship?  Might I have an opportunity such as “Sammy, you are not going to lunch with Cammy like you used to, what is going on?” which may lead to a worthy conversation? 

Now my own human spirit is a bit disheartened by Sammy.  I had really hoped Sammy was above that behavior.  I literally said out loud today:  has Sammy NOT heard a thing in church over the last 20 years?  Has Sammy MISSED the point for 20 years?  What is wrong with Sammy?

Ray said to me “duh-it is all for show you know!”  Deep sigh.  I had hoped that there was some authenticity in there but I think Ray is right (which is usually the case). It is more about checking the boxes than living authentically. 

Honestly, I’ll take the small Blue Like Jazz group over church then.  There is a quote that says the more I get to know people, the more I like my dog.  I kind of have to agree.  The more I get to know some people that are church “leaders” the less I am inclined to lend myself to a church body.  Why would I give myself to Tammy and Sammy’s organization?  Why would I go be vulnerable, authentic, engaged, real for them when they are fake and inauthentic in reality?

I have to say that for me, for this season, I’ll take my current findings:

·         I will continue to keep a daily time to read the Bible, read a supplemental text, journal, reflect, and pray

·         I will continue to talk to friends, family, and others about my spiritual journey

·         I will work daily to live a life of love to reflect Jesus in everything I do

Amen for today

Short Breath Prayer for Today

I had to appreciate this breath prayer today from Lars Rood

God, would you help me understand that your timing is perfect and that I don’t need to always have the answers? Let me be okay with your “not yet.” Amen.

One

I remember Laurie Stone yelling at me on the playground. It was first grade and I was pouting.  She said “I can have more than one friend, Libby!”

You can?  I was perplexed? How?

My whole life had centered on the number one.

I was an only child. I had an only pet.

When I went home, my only playmate was my cousin, David.

How could Laurie, my best friend, have other friends-was there room for any others? How would we navigate such complexities as competing opinions, attitudes, beliefs, preferences, and choices?  And most importantly, how could I get my attention needs met if Laurie was focused on others? 

These perplexities continued to plague me until my freshman year of high school at which time I suffered a stunning blow-my best friend chose someone else and left me alone.  I stumbled along, looking for identity for a number of years.

Fortunately I learned that attention was not necessary and was not always a positive thing. I have also learned, through much trial, error, and study that external validation is temporary and self-esteem has to come from a higher source.

Yet, there are certain things about their number one that continue to thread through my life today.

To this day, I still have one main friend. My husband is my closest companion, my love, my best friend, my confidant, and my treasure.  I truly enjoy our shared time together and miss him each day when we are apart at our respective work environments.

I do have a circle of individuals whom I admire, enjoy, and cherish, but ultimately I realize that the number one has always been and remains to this day my special number.

One summer my friend Gary worked in my office.  Gary and I would laugh because we would make sure we made lunch plans by 10:00 a.m. each day no matter what-we knew where we would have lunch.  I always checked with Gary to verify lunch. Then at lunch time I was ready for Gary and I to head out when eight others would join in-Gary was the middle child of five and an extrovert!  Needless to say we always had great lunch crowds but not because of my efforts!

Of late I’ve spent time wondering if I am ok to have centered on the number one?  I look at my friends like Gary or my friend Dana who has friends scattered across Texas.  Or I look at my friend Shelly who meets with a group of her friends a few times per year for a ladies lunch.  I go home every day for lunch with my love!  We cherish getting to spend our lunch hours together each day!

What I’ve landed on about “is it ok?” is this:  Yep, it sure it because I feel complete and I do not feel a lacking in my life.  Were I to feel a loneliness or some sort of loss, then I would feel compelled to explore closer friendships, but I do feel that I have a fulfilled and significant life where I make an impact on others while allowing influence to be made on me.  While I have friends at varying closeness levels, I believe that I am transparent and real enough that my friends know my values and know how much I cherish them and Ray so if I need anything, they will be there for me.